Today I had a personal glimpse into the grief of another. Just a little over a week ago, my cousin passed away after fighting a long battle with cancer. Danny was an auctioneer at the stockyard and as I remember always wearing a cowboy hat and boots. My sister and I attended his funeral where I was touched by the words of his grieving widow. Only one day into the experience of moving on without her partner, her words kept ringing in my ears for days. "I wish he were still here." When I called today, she expressed these sentiments in other words like, "I don't know how to go on without him. We were together 24/7 working at the stockyard, building out here on the property and putting up barbed wire fences. I wish we'd put up that last board in the barn." While I am not at all acquainted with the kinds of experiences she and Danny had with each other, I have experienced the loss of relationship through divorce and understand the heart cry to go back and take care of unfinished business. The need to establish a new normal can be a real challenge, especially in the early days of loss.
Our emotions are immediately affected by the loss of a loved one, a job and even lifestyle changes that come from such a loss. My cousin's wife had worked alongside him at the stockyard and has already made a decision to work elsewhere for a time. Facing the emptiness in that environment where they'd worked together seemed too difficult a task for these earliest days of loss and grief. When someone has experienced the death of a loved one or as I shared yesterday the broken hopes and dreams through other uncontrollable circumstances, you can expect emotional responses.
EMOTIONAL RESPONSES
"If only I had told him one more time--'I love you.'"
"He/she should have gone to the doctor months ago."
''The nights and weekends are the worst for me--empty and lonely."
"It's as if anytime now he'll call or come walking through the door. I keep thinking of things
I want to tell him/her."
Feelings of regret, anguish, depression, unexpected and uncontrolled crying are expected.
There will even be feelings of relief which often are accompanied by some feelings of guilt.
All these responses are normal as we face the void left by a person, place or activity we formerly planned our days around.
WHAT WE NEED DURING GRIEF
Every person who is grieving a loss needs a place of SECURITY, a place where they feel safe expressing their emotions.
Allowing yourself to be lose to those you trust is important. However, you may have to remind others you are pacing yourself during this time. Getting back into a routine helps. This may not come immediately. If that routine is a reminder as it would have been for my cousin's wife, then a temporary change may be helpful. Again, remember to be kind to yourself and take baby steps towards recovering your normal routine.
Another need for emotional healing is HOPE. It is important to surround yourself with those who have experienced similar losses. No two grief experiences will be exactly the same but encouragement, support and hope for the future are things every person needs when grieving. Don't hesitate to ask others what helped them to recover.
At first, don't be surprised if your enjoyment of these things isn't the same. This is NORMAL. When observing a family member who has gone through a loss, remember that every person experiences grief in their own personal way. Offer hope and comfort by extending invitations to talk and learn to listen more than speak. Grieving persons often work out things in their hearts by reliving the experiences for a time. In my connections with those grieving the losses brought about by addiction, I've learned to simply "sit with others in their pain." I can often hear their voices begin to relax as they tell the story of their loss aloud and realize their pain is validated and heard. Recently, I spoke with a woman who'd lost her daughter to a tragic accident. Her Hospice counselor had recommended she journal her feelings about this tragic loss. She found hope and faith through this activity which has led her to begin writing a book about how God walked with her through this sorrowful time.
Finally, emotional responses vary from person to person. Don't expect tears from every person in the grieving process. Offer invitations to small pleasures like dinner out or walk in the park. Something to look forward to like a day trip or a day of shopping may be just what they need. Always express your understanding if they are not ready for an outing. Never underestimate the healing effects of a short visit, phone call or word of encouragement. These are small steps you can take to encourage the grieving to take small steps toward regaining their pleasure in life.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Responses to Grief and Loss
Yesterday I received a mailing from Hospice that included a calendar of activities for those who are dealing with the death of a family member or friend. Bereavement groups and holiday workshops are planned throughout the year for families experiencing the grief and loss of someone they love. I hope to attend one of the group meetings in November. It seems that as I approach the three month mark of my father's death, I'm feeling the effects of the grief to a greater degree. It could be the onset of the holidays or more likely the growing emptiness of the place I called home for so many years. My sister and I have taken our time sorting out the memories and belongings. No matter the number of months that pass, the reality will remain the same. Our family has experienced a loss and we will need to find a new normal and our holidays will be impacted by our loss.
As I read through the very helpful list of Normal Responses to Loss, I was reminded there are losses that come through events other than the death of a loved one. Divorce, miscarriage, financial loss and any associated losses such as loss of home, employment and relationships impact our lives in similar ways. Loss is a part of our lives and yet I've found one of those areas people are more hesitant to discuss around the cooler at work or in even in a life group or Sunday School class. It has been my experience that I must adopt the attitude of "I need to just stuff these feelings and move on with my life or life is going to move on without me." In the fast paced world where we now live, it is simpler to deny our loss and the natural grief responses, since there is apparently no time for the work of grief. I remember the first time I heard the phrase "grief work." It certainly didn't appeal to me. I'm learning through the passage of time, if this important work is not done, it can and most likely will resurface at a most inopportune time.
Before sharing some of the natural responses to grief and some tips for how to help yourself through a period of grieving, I'd like to share my heart for a group of people I've come to know through a sisterhood of sorts. Over a decade ago, I experienced a loss so unexpected and devastating, there would have been no way to prepare for the way every part of my life was affected. The list of losses continued to grow from the moment I first learned someone I loved was addicted to pornography. Physical, emotional, relational, spiritual and even financial losses grew like weeds in a garden, choking the life from the marriage. The insidious nature of this addiction and the associated shame it creates has formed an almost secret society of those who are walking through their days shrouded by the grief of unfulfilled hopes and dreams. The last person I chatted with about such a discovery had only been married a matter of months. The ensuing grief and the loss are as real as that experienced when there is a physical death. The five areas of our lives affected by the physical death of a loved one can also be seen in the lives affected by this addiction.
For this reason, I'd like to share over the next two months some of the natural responses to grief we all experience in the aftermath of a loss. I will also be sharing some things we each need during a time of grief. As we approach the holidays, the opportunity for grief to accelerate will be not just a possibility, but a probability. I hope these notes will be helpful to anyone who is wondering how they will get through the holidays this year in light of the very real effects they are experiencing from a personal loss this year.
PHYSICAL REACTIONS
One of my first reactions after my dad passed away was loss of appetite. Skipping meals left me with little energy to accomplish my daily activities. I even found I associated certain meals with the things I'd prepared for him and didn't want to make them anymore. Grief is very personal and each loss can bring different reactions.
You might hear someone say,
" I feel sick to my stomach, I just can't eat."
"I have trouble getting to sleep and after I finally do I only sleep a few hours before I'm up again."
Feelings of weakness, fatigue, pounding or heavy feelings in the chest or shortness of breath.
People who are grieving can be heard "sighing heavily."
WHAT IS NEEDED DURING GRIEF
REST RELAXATION EXERCISE NOURISHMENT
You may need EXTRA amounts of things you needed before.
Relaxing baths, an earlier bedtime, naps in the afternoon, a long walk on a sunny day
GOALS
Perhaps the thought of a long walk is overwhelming. Start with a short term goal of taking a short walk. Remember grief is personal. Each person must decide what will they can or cannot manage especially in the earliest days of a loss.
Small goals are helpful
"I'll have a healthy breakfast each day."
"I'll connect with a friend this week and see a movie."
Time alone AND time with others is important. Spend time with those you trust and whom you can count on to listen when you need to talk.
One last consideration is that you listen to your body. When I visited the eye doctor, we were talking about the decline in my vision. She said it was possible this decline was related to my year of caretaking. Our bodies become depleted from the stresses of grief and loss.
Remember to be kind to yourself and if you have any questions about your body's responses to grief schedule a physical exam or check online sources for ways you can counteract the stresses of overcoming a loss in life. I hope these reminders have helped to bring some clarity to how you can walk through a time of grief and loss. We will cover the mental, emotional, social and spiritual responses in upcoming posts. For now, REST, RELAX AND REPLENISH.
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As I read through the very helpful list of Normal Responses to Loss, I was reminded there are losses that come through events other than the death of a loved one. Divorce, miscarriage, financial loss and any associated losses such as loss of home, employment and relationships impact our lives in similar ways. Loss is a part of our lives and yet I've found one of those areas people are more hesitant to discuss around the cooler at work or in even in a life group or Sunday School class. It has been my experience that I must adopt the attitude of "I need to just stuff these feelings and move on with my life or life is going to move on without me." In the fast paced world where we now live, it is simpler to deny our loss and the natural grief responses, since there is apparently no time for the work of grief. I remember the first time I heard the phrase "grief work." It certainly didn't appeal to me. I'm learning through the passage of time, if this important work is not done, it can and most likely will resurface at a most inopportune time.
Before sharing some of the natural responses to grief and some tips for how to help yourself through a period of grieving, I'd like to share my heart for a group of people I've come to know through a sisterhood of sorts. Over a decade ago, I experienced a loss so unexpected and devastating, there would have been no way to prepare for the way every part of my life was affected. The list of losses continued to grow from the moment I first learned someone I loved was addicted to pornography. Physical, emotional, relational, spiritual and even financial losses grew like weeds in a garden, choking the life from the marriage. The insidious nature of this addiction and the associated shame it creates has formed an almost secret society of those who are walking through their days shrouded by the grief of unfulfilled hopes and dreams. The last person I chatted with about such a discovery had only been married a matter of months. The ensuing grief and the loss are as real as that experienced when there is a physical death. The five areas of our lives affected by the physical death of a loved one can also be seen in the lives affected by this addiction.
For this reason, I'd like to share over the next two months some of the natural responses to grief we all experience in the aftermath of a loss. I will also be sharing some things we each need during a time of grief. As we approach the holidays, the opportunity for grief to accelerate will be not just a possibility, but a probability. I hope these notes will be helpful to anyone who is wondering how they will get through the holidays this year in light of the very real effects they are experiencing from a personal loss this year.
PHYSICAL REACTIONS
One of my first reactions after my dad passed away was loss of appetite. Skipping meals left me with little energy to accomplish my daily activities. I even found I associated certain meals with the things I'd prepared for him and didn't want to make them anymore. Grief is very personal and each loss can bring different reactions.
You might hear someone say,
" I feel sick to my stomach, I just can't eat."
"I have trouble getting to sleep and after I finally do I only sleep a few hours before I'm up again."
Feelings of weakness, fatigue, pounding or heavy feelings in the chest or shortness of breath.
People who are grieving can be heard "sighing heavily."
WHAT IS NEEDED DURING GRIEF
REST RELAXATION EXERCISE NOURISHMENT
You may need EXTRA amounts of things you needed before.
Relaxing baths, an earlier bedtime, naps in the afternoon, a long walk on a sunny day
GOALS
Perhaps the thought of a long walk is overwhelming. Start with a short term goal of taking a short walk. Remember grief is personal. Each person must decide what will they can or cannot manage especially in the earliest days of a loss.
Small goals are helpful
"I'll have a healthy breakfast each day."
"I'll connect with a friend this week and see a movie."
Time alone AND time with others is important. Spend time with those you trust and whom you can count on to listen when you need to talk.
One last consideration is that you listen to your body. When I visited the eye doctor, we were talking about the decline in my vision. She said it was possible this decline was related to my year of caretaking. Our bodies become depleted from the stresses of grief and loss.
Remember to be kind to yourself and if you have any questions about your body's responses to grief schedule a physical exam or check online sources for ways you can counteract the stresses of overcoming a loss in life. I hope these reminders have helped to bring some clarity to how you can walk through a time of grief and loss. We will cover the mental, emotional, social and spiritual responses in upcoming posts. For now, REST, RELAX AND REPLENISH.
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Wednesday, August 1, 2012
You Put that on Facebook?
Recently, my family spent a week at the beach. For several days the grandchildren kept showing me this plastic cylinder filled with tiny red, white and blue balloons. The label indicated they were water balloons. I'd even tried, unsuccessfully, to help my granddaughter fill some at the kitchen sink one afternoon. Aside from that experience, I hadn't put much thought into these water balloons. My last experience with water filled bombs was a kindergarten field day many years ago. I would be less than honest to say I thought of the idea as something fun to do on our vacation.
I think my family would tell you I love to have fun, even acting somewhat foolish for an adult at times.
However, they would also tell you I'm pretty ridiculous about my hair and makeup at times. I just don't like feeling exposed to public places without makeup and both clean and styled hair. And once I've cleaned up and spent hours getting cleaned up from the sand and sweat of the beach, I'm done with water for the day. Of course, we have no control over the sudden cloudbursts or thunderstorms. I have about as much control over my naturally curly hair which seems to come completely unfurled in the humidity at the beach.
I've shared all this to preface some serious thoughts today. As we are all aware, sometimes things happen in life that make life seem to unfurl and we are hit by that sudden rainstorm or the SMACK!!! of an unexpected water balloon.
About mid-week, my friend David and I decided to take a ride on the golf cart. After a time, we found a place we could look out over the water where we became the uninvited guests at a wedding on the beach. You probably wouldn't imagine that my mind went to a thought about how the wind was blowing the bride's hair all willy nilly as she stood next to her soon to be husband. While I love the beach and have often thought it a beautiful place to tie the knot, I couldn't see myself making that choice since it would leave much to chance, the least of which might be the condition of my hair.
What superficiality can be found in thoughts like these!
With no reception being held and our being uninvited to begin with, we made our way back to where family was WAITING.
It seems I knew it immediately and spoke quickly these words of caution, “Don't pull in, they're going to get us!” Everyone perched on the deck with the look of a cheshire cat on each of their faces, was a heads up that we were about to be lambasted with red, white, blue and WET. I also saw the technology come out and someone taking a picture which was sure to be on Facebook.
I was correct. Within minutes my now windblown, wedding and water balloon attendee hair would be seen by people everywhere. Exposed. That's the word for how I felt for a few minutes after I got over the feeling of t-shirt and shorts sticking to my skin and changed into something more comfortable.
I've struggled all of my adult life with superficial things like my outward appearance. My inclination today is to admit how often these struggles have stolen much joy from my life. A friend, who will remain anonymous, confessed to me her own struggle to enjoy a ride in her date's convertible while trying to keep her hair in place. While we both laughed and found some comfort in our shared struggles, we would both like to be free of the shackles of feeling less than perfect.
I've just completed a book about the subject of Shame. On the back cover there is this statement. “Shame controls far too many of us.” I'd like to suggest today that anything that makes us want to hide behind perfect hair and makeup, perfect grades or perfect performance in any area of our lives hints of shame. If the real person inside of you wants to experience life as you once did as a child without erecting the walls of self protection to “save face” you might find a root of shame in your life.
I am learning there are certain things in my own life (larger than the hair issue) that feel like the water balloon assault about to go down. It feels like the same thing is about to happen to me all over again and life might just come unfurled and my shame will again be EXPOSED. I hear myself saying, “Just don't go there. Hide. You aren't invited to the celebration. The attack is waiting right around the corner. Just look at you! You don't belong or fit in!”
I'm happy to report that the Bible is about shame from start to finish. God began to open my eyes to this some years ago in such a beautiful way. I wish I could report that I have reached the ultimate goal of freedom I long for in my life. Some days I feel like I'm still just getting my feet wet. While I'm still prone to get stuck in the “every hair's in place” performance mode for acceptance, God is teaching me to understand how to look at Jesus through the lens of shame and see how much He cares for, covers, adopts, cleanses and accepts each of us.
A few days ago, I found another less than desirable photo of myself taken at the beach and without my awareness shared on Facebook. At first I thought of how many people might see my lack of makeup and the lines in my face. Then I found myself laughing out loud at the moment I'd had with my son. I decided to share it with some friends and hopefully they might enjoy the moment with me.
My goal in sharing so candidly with you is that we all might see how much time, joy and freedom can be stolen from us when we see life through the lens of shame. There was that moment in time that God and His Son shared together that has made it possible for each of us to be free of shameful, protective thoughts, patterns and behaviors.
“Everything Scripture says about shame converges at Jesus. From his birth to his crucifixion, the shame of the world was distilled to its most concentrated form and washed over him. He was despised, insulted, naked, a friend of sinners, and abandoned by those who knew Him best. The crucifixion was not the tragic end of an otherwise charmed life. It was the logical conclusion of the shame he voluntarily accumulated from the moment of his birth.” (p.107, Welch)
If you've asked yourself the question, “why would she be so concerned with her outward appearance?” know that I've asked myself a thousand times over. I'm learning that my focus should no longer be on that question but the one who gave Himself to be the answer to that question. The more my thoughts are on the scars in His hands more than the lines on my face and the crown on his head more than the tangled mess of my hair, my freedom will unfurl.
Join me today in getting a picture of how you'd like to see freedom from the effects of shame in your life.
By faith I see myself approaching Christ, my Bridegroom, on the beach, with my hair in disarray from the salty sea spray. My eyes are glowing and my face unadorned except for the expression of thankfulness and deep love I have for Him. My heart is exposed but there's no need for a veil, no need for a covering of any sort. He invites me to take His hand and walk in the water. I know there will be no more rejection, no more betrayal. He accepts me. He chooses me. Like the waves, His mercy and love come crashing over me and finally I understand the freedom He has always had for me.
I think my family would tell you I love to have fun, even acting somewhat foolish for an adult at times.
However, they would also tell you I'm pretty ridiculous about my hair and makeup at times. I just don't like feeling exposed to public places without makeup and both clean and styled hair. And once I've cleaned up and spent hours getting cleaned up from the sand and sweat of the beach, I'm done with water for the day. Of course, we have no control over the sudden cloudbursts or thunderstorms. I have about as much control over my naturally curly hair which seems to come completely unfurled in the humidity at the beach.
I've shared all this to preface some serious thoughts today. As we are all aware, sometimes things happen in life that make life seem to unfurl and we are hit by that sudden rainstorm or the SMACK!!! of an unexpected water balloon.
About mid-week, my friend David and I decided to take a ride on the golf cart. After a time, we found a place we could look out over the water where we became the uninvited guests at a wedding on the beach. You probably wouldn't imagine that my mind went to a thought about how the wind was blowing the bride's hair all willy nilly as she stood next to her soon to be husband. While I love the beach and have often thought it a beautiful place to tie the knot, I couldn't see myself making that choice since it would leave much to chance, the least of which might be the condition of my hair.
What superficiality can be found in thoughts like these!
With no reception being held and our being uninvited to begin with, we made our way back to where family was WAITING.
It seems I knew it immediately and spoke quickly these words of caution, “Don't pull in, they're going to get us!” Everyone perched on the deck with the look of a cheshire cat on each of their faces, was a heads up that we were about to be lambasted with red, white, blue and WET. I also saw the technology come out and someone taking a picture which was sure to be on Facebook.
I was correct. Within minutes my now windblown, wedding and water balloon attendee hair would be seen by people everywhere. Exposed. That's the word for how I felt for a few minutes after I got over the feeling of t-shirt and shorts sticking to my skin and changed into something more comfortable.
I've struggled all of my adult life with superficial things like my outward appearance. My inclination today is to admit how often these struggles have stolen much joy from my life. A friend, who will remain anonymous, confessed to me her own struggle to enjoy a ride in her date's convertible while trying to keep her hair in place. While we both laughed and found some comfort in our shared struggles, we would both like to be free of the shackles of feeling less than perfect.
I've just completed a book about the subject of Shame. On the back cover there is this statement. “Shame controls far too many of us.” I'd like to suggest today that anything that makes us want to hide behind perfect hair and makeup, perfect grades or perfect performance in any area of our lives hints of shame. If the real person inside of you wants to experience life as you once did as a child without erecting the walls of self protection to “save face” you might find a root of shame in your life.
I am learning there are certain things in my own life (larger than the hair issue) that feel like the water balloon assault about to go down. It feels like the same thing is about to happen to me all over again and life might just come unfurled and my shame will again be EXPOSED. I hear myself saying, “Just don't go there. Hide. You aren't invited to the celebration. The attack is waiting right around the corner. Just look at you! You don't belong or fit in!”
I'm happy to report that the Bible is about shame from start to finish. God began to open my eyes to this some years ago in such a beautiful way. I wish I could report that I have reached the ultimate goal of freedom I long for in my life. Some days I feel like I'm still just getting my feet wet. While I'm still prone to get stuck in the “every hair's in place” performance mode for acceptance, God is teaching me to understand how to look at Jesus through the lens of shame and see how much He cares for, covers, adopts, cleanses and accepts each of us.
A few days ago, I found another less than desirable photo of myself taken at the beach and without my awareness shared on Facebook. At first I thought of how many people might see my lack of makeup and the lines in my face. Then I found myself laughing out loud at the moment I'd had with my son. I decided to share it with some friends and hopefully they might enjoy the moment with me.
My goal in sharing so candidly with you is that we all might see how much time, joy and freedom can be stolen from us when we see life through the lens of shame. There was that moment in time that God and His Son shared together that has made it possible for each of us to be free of shameful, protective thoughts, patterns and behaviors.
“Everything Scripture says about shame converges at Jesus. From his birth to his crucifixion, the shame of the world was distilled to its most concentrated form and washed over him. He was despised, insulted, naked, a friend of sinners, and abandoned by those who knew Him best. The crucifixion was not the tragic end of an otherwise charmed life. It was the logical conclusion of the shame he voluntarily accumulated from the moment of his birth.” (p.107, Welch)
If you've asked yourself the question, “why would she be so concerned with her outward appearance?” know that I've asked myself a thousand times over. I'm learning that my focus should no longer be on that question but the one who gave Himself to be the answer to that question. The more my thoughts are on the scars in His hands more than the lines on my face and the crown on his head more than the tangled mess of my hair, my freedom will unfurl.
Join me today in getting a picture of how you'd like to see freedom from the effects of shame in your life.
By faith I see myself approaching Christ, my Bridegroom, on the beach, with my hair in disarray from the salty sea spray. My eyes are glowing and my face unadorned except for the expression of thankfulness and deep love I have for Him. My heart is exposed but there's no need for a veil, no need for a covering of any sort. He invites me to take His hand and walk in the water. I know there will be no more rejection, no more betrayal. He accepts me. He chooses me. Like the waves, His mercy and love come crashing over me and finally I understand the freedom He has always had for me.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Forget to Remember
About a week ago, my grandchildren were over and I found myself using the term “forget to remember” in describing a situation that happened between them. When I picked them up from school, my granddaughter had fallen and injured one leg from knees to toes and tears filled her eyes as she described to me what had happened. As we approached her brother's class, I saw her demeanor change and realized as she called out his name, she wanted him to come and comfort her. I remember saying, “You want your brother don't you?” as she then began to cry out loud and tears streamed down her face. He came up the stairs and put his arms lovingly around his baby sister. I must tell you I cried some pretty large tears myself at this point. We've all felt that need to be comforted and seeing it take shape there before me tapped into my great need for the same.
A few hours later they became upset with each other as they were growing tired. One thing led to another and soon there was an argument and some finger pointing and more tears. Their mother and I tried to put it all to rest and they climbed into their car and drove away. A little later, I realized it might be important to let their mother know about the scene earlier in the afternoon. I knew she would be blessed to know how much love they had shown for each other and how their expression of love had touched my heart. I reminded her we all “forget to remember” the positive sometimes in light of the negative things that come into our lives.
As I was reading going through my Bible study today, I was pleasantly surprised to see the words “forget to remember” again. I thought this uncanny since I'd just used them a week ago. The picture of my grandson's arms about his sister immediately came to my mind and quite naturally led me to think of how much I need comfort when I've fallen and the sting of my fall leaves me feeling broken and needing His gentle touch of mercy.
He knows what we need even before we know we need it (Him).
After all, He is the omniscient, “all knowing God."
In Matthew 14, when the disciples were in the boat, out in the middle of the sea, with the storm approaching, Jesus was on the mountain top praying for them. He already knew the storm was gathering and began making His way to them. Should I be surprised that this passage has come my way 3 times this week? If I can remember His faithfulness and His promises and forget to remember the darkness and the danger, then instead of feeling Him to be distant, I will feel His closeness and comfort.
Recently, I found a beautiful card from my sister of the heart who lives in another city. The picture of Jesus leaning closely into a small blonde haired child, her hands clasped in prayer, says simply...”Before we even pray the words...”
“Before they call, I will answer; and while they are yet speaking, I will hear.” (Isaiah 65:24)
Our Savior's loving heart is never surprised by the trials we face. He was on His way to the disciples before the storm gathered. He wants us to recognize His Presence IS the impenetrable fortress when we are walking through tests and trials. He wants to step in and put His arms around us and bring the calm and peace in the midst of the storm.
There really is no security apart from Him. When things come to buffet our lives, we have a choice where to put our focus.
Today, no matter the trial or test, focus your eyes upon Him and remember His promises. He says He WILL answer, even before we call. He WILL hear even when we are still focusing on the issues at hand. If we will “forget to remember” the trial and get our eyes fixed on Him, He will walk with us in our trial, even walk over the deep waters and through the fire with us. His Presence will become our impenetrable fortress as we forget to remember the TRIAL and enter into the security of His promises.
Like my grandchildren “forgot to remember” their close embrace and the loving hearts they have for one another, we sometimes do the same in our trials. We forget to focus on His great and precious promises to us and instead get caught up in the painful, sometimes fearful circumstances of our trials and tests.
He is aware of our need for comfort and peace during these times. Allow your tears to fall, your voice to cry out your need for Him. He is already making His way to you now. His Presence will come and calm your stormy sea and you will “forget to remember” the tossing waves and turbulent winds. His Presence is your safe place.
“For in the day of trouble He will hide me in His shelter; in the secret place of His tent will He hide me; He will set me high upon a rock.” (Psalm 27:5)
Monday, April 30, 2012
His Children have a Refuge
Mother's Day approaches and as women our thoughts often turn to the female influences in our individual lives. No matter the positive and sometimes negative influence in our lives, I dare say each of us has some idea our mother's lives were also impacted by both blessing and calamity as it speaks of in the book of Genesis, soon after the words of God that were spoken to Eve after the fall of man.
“To the woman He said, I will greatly multiply your grief and your suffering in pregnancy and the pangs of childbearing; with spasms of distress you will bring forth children. Yet your desire and craving will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”
There have been many theological dissertations on the subject of the fall of man and the curses that fell on men and women. My appeal today is not to the mind today but to the heart of those who find themselves female in this world. For many, like Father's Day, we find ourselves searching the card rack for a card that holds just the right message in light of the internal messages we've found tattooed on our hearts through the experiences of our mothers and grandmothers. Who crafts these messages that never seem to hold ALL of the realities of the rear view mirror look at our own upbringing? Haven't we all had occasion to say “this doesn't even describe my mother.” Whether we find them praising too highly or lackluster in describing our own maternal influence, we often find them falling short.
As I thought of my own mother and grandmother today, my mind seemed to drift to other mothers who still fight similar battles of life. I thought of the mother who …
Finds she is lacking the resources to make her childrens' lives more comfortable
Weeps for the wayward son or daughter, grandson or granddaughter in the wee hours
Struggles to understand the genetic disease her small child is facing perhaps for life
Discovers her husband, child or grandchild has a hidden addiction
Receives the unwelcome knock on the door or call in the night no mother feels she can bear
Surrenders her will to God when all else has failed in making a difference
Processes the failure of her own child and grasps for the heart to forgive
Feels powerless to put an end to the bullying her child is experiencing at school
Hides her own addiction behind closed doors and hopes her children don't learn of her weakness
Works multiple jobs to try to make the ends meet
Waits for months for her son or daughter to be on American soil again
Watches their child make mistakes both like and unlike her own
“Weighs in” day in and day out to satisfy the demon of man's acceptance
Takes the punch, the snarl, the shaking
Wonders when she'll really feel she is enough to go around
As I thought of the women in my life both by birth and friendship, I have lived long enough to know we have all been affected by those words in Genesis. Relationships were marred and mothering at its best has been forever changed by our first parents. But, thankfully, we are not destined to remain without hope as mothers.
I like to think of Ruth Graham when motherhood comes to mind. Her writings in The Prodigal and Those Who Love Them had such a deep impact on my life when I was praying for and believing God for a miracle in my son's life. It seems the wife of Billy Graham experienced all the tumultuous emotions of every woman born on this planet. She took a look back at mothers from much earlier times and found some solace in the words written by other women who were experiencing the afflictions and facing the disappointments and discouragement that come with being the givers of life.
While there could be much said about the thoughts I've shared here and those provoked by your reading them, my one hope is that we all might take the following thought from Mrs. Graham to our hearts.
I THINK IT HARDER, LORD
I think it harder,
Lord, to cast
the cares of those I love
on You,
than to cast mine.
We, growing older,
learn at last
that You
are merciful
and true.
Not one time
have you failed me,
Lord__
why fear that You'll
fail mine?
As Mother's Day approaches I encourage you to think on His faithfulness to you and your generations past. Surely, there was a mixed bag for every woman we have known and yet we can trace His hand of goodness if we but make that choice.
Choices....we make good and bad choices as mothers. Our sins and that of our mothers and grandmothers has had an impact on the innocent. How then can we move into the days ahead with more assurance and hope in light of all the distress and despair we experience on our journey here?
Mrs. Graham, like her husband, never failed to point to God's precepts, His presence, His provision, His promises and His power. It's in His Word, we find the comfort, the hope, the forgiveness, the peace and the strength to continue on as mothers and grandmothers.
No matter what we are facing as a mother this Mother's Day, I pray we can all hold onto these thoughts.
“O,that there were such a heart in (mothers ..my insertion) that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children forever!”
Deutoronomy 5:29
“In the fear of the Lord is strong confidence: and his children have a place of refuge.”
Proverbs 14:26
Monday, April 23, 2012
Arise, Shiine
"ARISE, SHINE, FOR THY LIGHT HAS COME AND THE GLORY OF THE LORD IS RISEN UPON YOU." ISAIAH 60:1
When my 60th birthday came in March, God spoke to me quietly about one of the very first verses I learned as a young girl. I regularly attended Girl's Auxiliary where Helen Poplin and Gladys Sipe taught us the Word of God and opened my heart to those who were serving on the Southern Baptist mission field. This was only the beginning of my love for God's Word. One of the first verses I committed to memory was Isaiah 60:1.
“Arise, Shine for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you!” I admit I wasn't at all sure what this verse meant but coupled with the song “We've A Story to Tell to the Nations” from the Baptist hymnal, a subtle but all important message that I could affect the world for Christ was birthed in me.
The first verse filled with such hopeful lyrics is forever stamped on my brain and my heart.
“We've a story to tell to the nations
That shall turn their hearts to the right;
A story of truth and mercy,
A story of peace and light...a story of peace and light.
Chorus:
For the darkness shall turn to dawning and the dawning to noonday bright,
And Christ's great kingdom shall come on earth, The kingdom of love and light.”
This week as I sat with my new friend Kay at the coffeehouse, I shared with her my desire to write a book and also the frustration in whether or not that was a worthy goal. Her reply was pointed and simple but profound in its impact.
“You might think of it as I have a story to tell.” she said.
“I have a story to tell.” I wrote under the date at the top of the page.
It's been almost a week since she spoke these words to me. It wasn't until this morning I was drawn again to the words of Isaiah 60:1. Today has been a day when I felt like a bag full of marbles dumped upside down, all my thoughts rolling off in different directions. Truly by lunchtime my thoughts, like so many loose ends, needed to be gathered into one place as I prayed for focus to come.
In Jen Hatmaker's book, 7, (yes, that is the title of this very humorous/yet serious book about the author's mutiny against excess in our society ). Having reached the last chapter where she launches out on her final fast from excess to embark on a time of Seven Sacred Pauses, I found myself reading these words.
“God this is the story you've given me to live. Write it with beauty and light. Banish the dark pockets of selfishness and jealousy with truth. Forgive me for choosing envy when I should have been thrilled your name will become even more famous. My gosh, I am a mess. Teach me peace in a violent world, already riddled with competition and greed. Give me a heart of flesh that contends for your glory through anyone, everyone, anywhere, everywhere. Reign over me until there is only you.”
As I made my sacred pause at noon, called the Hour of Illumination, which has been practiced in times past by the ancients, monastics through prayer pauses every day, my thoughts turned to Isaiah 60:1. I found myself thoughtfully reading onto the second verse.
“For behold, darkness shall cover the earth, and dense darkness [all] peoples, but the Lord shall arise upon you, and His glory shall be seen on you.”
On a day when my thoughts seem as scattered as the seeds of a dandelion, it is much more difficult for me to follow my storyline and trust and believe the glorious light and hope of our Lord Jesus is rising on me in this moment.
Only moments after reading the focus verse for this prayer pause, I received an email about a critical need of a dear friend. As I paused to speak to God about this father and son who so clearly need His wisdom, peace and comfort, I realized how far reaching my prayers might be as I leave the outcome in His hands. There is no distance too great for God to span in answering our prayers for another. Just recently, I experienced the victory of a believer in Thailand as we interceded here in America with others around the world.
In the sacred pause called the Hour of Illumination, we honor the hour when Jesus embraced the cross. (Matt. 27:45) We follow His lead in vowing to love this world like Jesus did. We pledge to shine brightly, becoming the hope to the hopeless and light in the darkness. We pray against the darkness that consumes, and steals and ruins... even the one that attempts to destroy our focus with loose ends thinking.
We've a story to tell to the nations,
A story of truth and mercy, peace and light...
Every day has a story in it. There are words, perhaps even runaway thoughts and lack of focus. But God can enter our story at any time if we invite Him. He may bring new thoughts or even a memory of something from the past but there are always lessons to be learned.
Today I was reminded that a sacred pause in the middle of the day can bring an opportunity to spread His light to someone miles away, even across the globe. My story today comes full circle from the time I was a small girl, memorizing Isaiah 60:1 to the moment when I was given the opportunity to pray for God's light to shine into the circumstances of another. I feel honored to be included in God's bigger story of redemption as I allow Him to illuminate my days and focus my thoughts towards others.
“Arise, shine, for your light has come and the glory of the Lord is risen upon you.”
“The entrance and unfolding of Your Words give light.” (Psalm 119:130)
When my 60th birthday came in March, God spoke to me quietly about one of the very first verses I learned as a young girl. I regularly attended Girl's Auxiliary where Helen Poplin and Gladys Sipe taught us the Word of God and opened my heart to those who were serving on the Southern Baptist mission field. This was only the beginning of my love for God's Word. One of the first verses I committed to memory was Isaiah 60:1.
“Arise, Shine for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you!” I admit I wasn't at all sure what this verse meant but coupled with the song “We've A Story to Tell to the Nations” from the Baptist hymnal, a subtle but all important message that I could affect the world for Christ was birthed in me.
The first verse filled with such hopeful lyrics is forever stamped on my brain and my heart.
“We've a story to tell to the nations
That shall turn their hearts to the right;
A story of truth and mercy,
A story of peace and light...a story of peace and light.
Chorus:
For the darkness shall turn to dawning and the dawning to noonday bright,
And Christ's great kingdom shall come on earth, The kingdom of love and light.”
This week as I sat with my new friend Kay at the coffeehouse, I shared with her my desire to write a book and also the frustration in whether or not that was a worthy goal. Her reply was pointed and simple but profound in its impact.
“You might think of it as I have a story to tell.” she said.
“I have a story to tell.” I wrote under the date at the top of the page.
It's been almost a week since she spoke these words to me. It wasn't until this morning I was drawn again to the words of Isaiah 60:1. Today has been a day when I felt like a bag full of marbles dumped upside down, all my thoughts rolling off in different directions. Truly by lunchtime my thoughts, like so many loose ends, needed to be gathered into one place as I prayed for focus to come.
In Jen Hatmaker's book, 7, (yes, that is the title of this very humorous/yet serious book about the author's mutiny against excess in our society ). Having reached the last chapter where she launches out on her final fast from excess to embark on a time of Seven Sacred Pauses, I found myself reading these words.
“God this is the story you've given me to live. Write it with beauty and light. Banish the dark pockets of selfishness and jealousy with truth. Forgive me for choosing envy when I should have been thrilled your name will become even more famous. My gosh, I am a mess. Teach me peace in a violent world, already riddled with competition and greed. Give me a heart of flesh that contends for your glory through anyone, everyone, anywhere, everywhere. Reign over me until there is only you.”
As I made my sacred pause at noon, called the Hour of Illumination, which has been practiced in times past by the ancients, monastics through prayer pauses every day, my thoughts turned to Isaiah 60:1. I found myself thoughtfully reading onto the second verse.
“For behold, darkness shall cover the earth, and dense darkness [all] peoples, but the Lord shall arise upon you, and His glory shall be seen on you.”
On a day when my thoughts seem as scattered as the seeds of a dandelion, it is much more difficult for me to follow my storyline and trust and believe the glorious light and hope of our Lord Jesus is rising on me in this moment.
Only moments after reading the focus verse for this prayer pause, I received an email about a critical need of a dear friend. As I paused to speak to God about this father and son who so clearly need His wisdom, peace and comfort, I realized how far reaching my prayers might be as I leave the outcome in His hands. There is no distance too great for God to span in answering our prayers for another. Just recently, I experienced the victory of a believer in Thailand as we interceded here in America with others around the world.
In the sacred pause called the Hour of Illumination, we honor the hour when Jesus embraced the cross. (Matt. 27:45) We follow His lead in vowing to love this world like Jesus did. We pledge to shine brightly, becoming the hope to the hopeless and light in the darkness. We pray against the darkness that consumes, and steals and ruins... even the one that attempts to destroy our focus with loose ends thinking.
We've a story to tell to the nations,
A story of truth and mercy, peace and light...
Every day has a story in it. There are words, perhaps even runaway thoughts and lack of focus. But God can enter our story at any time if we invite Him. He may bring new thoughts or even a memory of something from the past but there are always lessons to be learned.
Today I was reminded that a sacred pause in the middle of the day can bring an opportunity to spread His light to someone miles away, even across the globe. My story today comes full circle from the time I was a small girl, memorizing Isaiah 60:1 to the moment when I was given the opportunity to pray for God's light to shine into the circumstances of another. I feel honored to be included in God's bigger story of redemption as I allow Him to illuminate my days and focus my thoughts towards others.
“Arise, shine, for your light has come and the glory of the Lord is risen upon you.”
“The entrance and unfolding of Your Words give light.” (Psalm 119:130)
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Yielded and Still
In my writing I find an outlet for all the thoughts running around in my head. For a season in my life, I was asked to record my feelings in a journal, followed by the thoughts I was having while experiencing that emotion. That was truly the beginning of learning to take thoughts captive for me. Having spent many years feeling the emotions of others at the expense of feeling my own, I was suddenly confronted with what was really going on inside my heart. Putting pen to paper was a brain dump of sorts from which I emptied self out onto paper and learned how many lies I'd believed about myself and ultimately has led to my discovery of my need to update my personal image of God.
Today, I rose filled with hope that I was about to experience a revival of a part time career as I waited by the phone for a call from a woman in another state. She'd expressed interest in my coaching/counseling services after reading of my own personal pain in an area in which she is now struggling. Five minutes, then ten, then fifteen passed and I remembered how difficult it was to minister to women who were dealing with sexual addiction in their marriages. Disappointment set in as I realized she wasn't going to follow through with her promise to call.
I realize in the aftermath I've grown in maturity as I made the decision to move on with my morning. As I read through one chapter and then another, the theme became clearer and clearer to me. Pursuit of God must be our singular most important goal as a believer. Then, I came to the following statement,
“The Father is true to His heart not our selective ideas about who is to hear the message of the Gospel.” While the study was pointing out our ideas about where and to which nations the gospel should be sent, I was hearing a more personal message from Him. You are still looking for your own plan, your own purpose and as long as you continue to do this, you will be frustrated and disappointed. Your only real security is in Jesus' words. The truth and all that I desire for you are found “in Him.”
And then I was impressed to go back and read a “word from the heart of God” sent to me this week from a dear friend.
'listen to me.... isaiah 43:10 says, "you are My witnesses, whom I created... to KNOW Me and to BELIEVE Me."
THAT is all God asks of us. to BE with Him. to know and believe HIM.
DOING is secondary. sooooooooooooo secondary. dont stress over what you are DOING, robin. strive to BE WITH God every chance you get. to read, pray, worship, sing, think about, and be silent with Him.
when you get to that place, when it's natural for you to "live" there, you may find your heart changed completely. and you just never know what might come next.
i really feel that this is a word for you today. from the heart of God. and i dont sense that very often for another person.
i am with you, sister.”
It wasn't long before I also remembered the words of my mentor, with words of wisdom born of years of experience in her walk with Christ. When I'd talked to her of my belief and desire to write a book, she merely said, “I think you should think of it as 'I have a story to tell.'
I have a tendency to get too verbose when I write, so today my effort is to be brief and to the point. The point is becoming clearer for me as my own ideas, plans and purposes continue to be frustrated. On Easter Sunday we saw a video clip of a dramatization of Jesus speaking to Peter after he had denied Christ three times on the night of his arrest. In his failure, Peter believed he was no longer worthy to be a disciple and was filled with shame. The words Jesus spoke to him in reply about feeding His sheep were followed in the video with these words, “It's ALWAYS about ME, Peter.”
In the Bible study today, one of my notes says, “Simply listen to Jesus.” Anytime it's about our ideas and plans or our ability to make things happen, our “doing” or “helping Him” or about “our shame and disappointments” things begin to get out of focus.
He is making ready a bride without spot or wrinkle before He comes again. One king, the Lord Jesus, Christ will rise to prominence and the highest joy will be to those who have known Him. So as I lay down my ideas, thoughts and plans for this day, I thank Him for invading my thoughts, challenging my self desire and drawing me once again to KNOW HIM and BELIEVE that He has a plan and a purpose for my life.
“Have thine own way, Lord...have thine own way... Mold me and make me after thy will, while I am waiting yielded and still...Hold o'er my being Absolute sway...Till all shall see, Christ only, always living in me.”
“...until Christ is completely and permanently formed and molded within you.” Galatians 4:19
I am with you sisters... as we seek Him and allow Him to mold and make us into His beautiful, spotless bride....
Today, I rose filled with hope that I was about to experience a revival of a part time career as I waited by the phone for a call from a woman in another state. She'd expressed interest in my coaching/counseling services after reading of my own personal pain in an area in which she is now struggling. Five minutes, then ten, then fifteen passed and I remembered how difficult it was to minister to women who were dealing with sexual addiction in their marriages. Disappointment set in as I realized she wasn't going to follow through with her promise to call.
I realize in the aftermath I've grown in maturity as I made the decision to move on with my morning. As I read through one chapter and then another, the theme became clearer and clearer to me. Pursuit of God must be our singular most important goal as a believer. Then, I came to the following statement,
“The Father is true to His heart not our selective ideas about who is to hear the message of the Gospel.” While the study was pointing out our ideas about where and to which nations the gospel should be sent, I was hearing a more personal message from Him. You are still looking for your own plan, your own purpose and as long as you continue to do this, you will be frustrated and disappointed. Your only real security is in Jesus' words. The truth and all that I desire for you are found “in Him.”
And then I was impressed to go back and read a “word from the heart of God” sent to me this week from a dear friend.
'listen to me.... isaiah 43:10 says, "you are My witnesses, whom I created... to KNOW Me and to BELIEVE Me."
THAT is all God asks of us. to BE with Him. to know and believe HIM.
DOING is secondary. sooooooooooooo secondary. dont stress over what you are DOING, robin. strive to BE WITH God every chance you get. to read, pray, worship, sing, think about, and be silent with Him.
when you get to that place, when it's natural for you to "live" there, you may find your heart changed completely. and you just never know what might come next.
i really feel that this is a word for you today. from the heart of God. and i dont sense that very often for another person.
i am with you, sister.”
It wasn't long before I also remembered the words of my mentor, with words of wisdom born of years of experience in her walk with Christ. When I'd talked to her of my belief and desire to write a book, she merely said, “I think you should think of it as 'I have a story to tell.'
I have a tendency to get too verbose when I write, so today my effort is to be brief and to the point. The point is becoming clearer for me as my own ideas, plans and purposes continue to be frustrated. On Easter Sunday we saw a video clip of a dramatization of Jesus speaking to Peter after he had denied Christ three times on the night of his arrest. In his failure, Peter believed he was no longer worthy to be a disciple and was filled with shame. The words Jesus spoke to him in reply about feeding His sheep were followed in the video with these words, “It's ALWAYS about ME, Peter.”
In the Bible study today, one of my notes says, “Simply listen to Jesus.” Anytime it's about our ideas and plans or our ability to make things happen, our “doing” or “helping Him” or about “our shame and disappointments” things begin to get out of focus.
He is making ready a bride without spot or wrinkle before He comes again. One king, the Lord Jesus, Christ will rise to prominence and the highest joy will be to those who have known Him. So as I lay down my ideas, thoughts and plans for this day, I thank Him for invading my thoughts, challenging my self desire and drawing me once again to KNOW HIM and BELIEVE that He has a plan and a purpose for my life.
“Have thine own way, Lord...have thine own way... Mold me and make me after thy will, while I am waiting yielded and still...Hold o'er my being Absolute sway...Till all shall see, Christ only, always living in me.”
“...until Christ is completely and permanently formed and molded within you.” Galatians 4:19
I am with you sisters... as we seek Him and allow Him to mold and make us into His beautiful, spotless bride....
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