Last night as I was getting ready for bed, I picked up a book we used at the Barnabas Center titled Bold Love. Not sure why but I flipped to the very end of the book and read something the author had written for his father's funeral. It prompted such emotions in me I had difficulty falling asleep. Thoughts of my own father's aging and the fears I have felt when thinking of his no longer being with us swirled around in my mind. I remembered several times most recently when I sat on my daddy's screened porch with him in the late afternoon watching the activity in the backyard.
Some of these times were a bit uncomfortable since my daddy is not a real communicator. He was especially quiet some of the time unless I drew him into conversation. I asked him questions about the different kinds of birds we were seeing in the yard, his garden and that old standby, the weather. Once while talking to him, I shared a testimony from a revival service I attended at Brownsville in Pensacola, Florida. The tears that came into his eyes allowed me a very brief look into his heart. I thought about it for days.
In the book Bold Love, Dan Allender, speaks of something I learned about at the Barnabas Center called "being present in one's own life." I am realizing more and more the numbness and the denial and illusion life can be filled with here on this earth. As the author spoke about his time with his father in the last days of his life, I was sure the Lord was speaking to me about my own life and relationships.
This morning my Bible study seemed to take these thoughts deeper as I read in the book of John 11 about the death, burial and resurrection of Lazarus. As I read this passage which is very familiar to me, it seemed God was bringing a new revelation. I have often quoted this part of that passage, "if you only believe you will see the glory of God." This morning, however, I was drawn to verses 9-10. "Anyone who walks about in the daytime does not stumble, because he sees [by the light of this world]. But if anyone walks about in the night, he does stumble, because there is no light in him [the light is lacking to him].
I had some sense of what God was speaking but still felt He was unfolding something mysterious to me. I talked to Him about the feelings of insecurity I have had in my life, birthed in my childhood. In my earliest years, my father was not a believer and there were many reasons I became fearful of having no one to take care of me. When we are faced with the painful circumstances in our lives, we feel forced to erect a stronghold around our hearts in self defense. We can live our entire lives with a stronghold of fear or an illusion of control. Because we either busy ourselves with a compulsive running to avoid the pain or are debilitated by the fear, we grow numb to the Presence of the One who came as the answer to our insecurities and painful wounds.
Now, let's go back to my father and the time I spent with him recently. I have wondered today what painful wounds he still carries in his heart as he experiences the aging process which will ultimately take him to the death of his physical body. This must be a very difficult time in his life. He spends virtually all of his time alone in a home he once shared with my mother. He is unable to do as much physically what he once did to bring fulfillment. Physical strength and his work were the things which most likely were his identity. The picture of him as a young man, a professional boxer flashed through my mind. I also wondered about how authentic my relationship with him has been.
On the last pages of Bold Love, Dan Allender uses these words to describe the last days of his relationship with His father.
"In the days to follow, we talked about the things of life that were off limits. Many topics, sadly, still remained closed or answerable in a way that left me empty. Our relationship was never close to ideal. We had some painful and healing talks about our failure of one another. Even days before he died, I still fought with him to get him to see another physician. I believe God honored my unrelenting persistence with a closeness that was tangible and tasty to the soul.The eulogy I wrote for his funeral could not have been honestly read unless my father and I had struggled together in the labor of deepening love." These words were followed by the eulogy which brought serious tears last night before I finally fell asleep.
This work of "bold love" can be pictured in both the words of the author and also in the words of Apostle Paul in summarized this way, "our outer man is dimishing, but our inner man is being renewed and recreated." Whatever we offer others of ourselves in the space between the our birth and death is our gift back to the Giver Himself.He has given us the example of Christ's Bold Love throughout the gospel story.
Somehow I sense that God wants me to realize several gifts HE has given me. He has given me the gift of time in order that I might walk through this season of my father's life with him as well as others he brings into my path. He sent Jesus, the Word to be my light and to shed light in those dark places of my heart so that I might be emptied of all that has held me in that place of numbness, not really present in my own life. And, he has given me the invitation He gave Lazarus, "Come forth", and the opportunity to shed the grave clothes of the past and have real relationship with not only Him but those closest to me.
I am growing in my understanding of what it means to be "present in my own life." It has something to do with taking the time to sit with my own father in his last days and learn what it means to have an intimate relationship with him. Sometimes there will be no words at all, just a stillness and an enjoyment of his presence. Intimacy in my relationship with my earthly father should mirror that which is available to me in the presence of my heavenly Father. I have discovered the fears I have of emptying myself before my Heavenly Father are just as present in my interactions with my earthly father.
I sense in my heart that it is in those dark places where we have not gone in our relationships that we have stumbled. Just like Lazarus and Jesus had to go to the tomb, a place of darkness, before being resurrected to new life,we may have to go to those places to receive the gift of the Giver Himself. The one who sees by the light of the world, Jesus, will no longer stumble around in the dark.
One last thought comes to mind as I think of carrying through with this kind of approach to relationship with not only my dad but others.I fear the tears I saw coming into my daddy's eyes that day as I shared a testimony of God's grace. Perhaps that is the key to my thoughts this day. When I see my father as an earthen vessel and his true frailty, I will come face to face with my own. Facing my insecurity and possibly that of my dad's could possibly feel very dark, threatening and foreboding but God has promised that His light would overcome our darkness. struggled together in the labor of deepening love
I have a choice,like the author, to struggle together in labor to deepen and have a more intimate relationship with my Heavenly Father and also with those I have relationship with on this earth. I can choose to numb out or just take life as it is and hope for the best. I can also choose to allow His presence to make me "real and present in my own life."
So, what does it mean to be "present in my own life?" How would Lazarus have felt had Jesus simply come and healed him of his physical illness and made his body whole again? Contrast how he must have been impacted to find he has passed from death into life... eternal life at the command of Jesus to "Come forth." It was the difference between the gift and the gift of the Giver Himself.
If we allow Him to take us through the wilderness, the tomb and the darkness of our own hearts and invite others to go with us on that journey,I believe we will experience the Bold Love that Jesus came to give us.It will be like a taste of heaven on earth,a taste of eternal hope. BOLD LOVE... I invite you to journey with me....
