Today I woke up with a restless feeling. I had the whole day to myself. With time to do anything I wanted, it would seem to be the perfect kind of day. But, the struggle began inside of me.
The last thought before going to bed last night was one I feel the Lord deposited in my heart. "It is your fear that holds you back." This morning as the struggle began, that fear became the impulse to " run away." I often realize these days that what is going on externally is not nearly as important as what is going on internally.
The thoughts that were going on in my mind were largely thoughts of failure which produce a fear that things will never change. "I have no job, no real schedule, no plans for this day. I will probably waste this day like so many others recently." Thoughts of the past and the things that have not been settled that I thought would have long ago been settled filled my mind. Then my thoughts went to those of future failures. "I will never get past these fears and move into a place of peace. My family thinks I am a failure , especially when it comes to marriage. And what if my husband doesn't do the right things and I am again embarassed and humiliated by his rejecting me again." These thoughts escalated to anger at myself and onto anger at my husband.
Looking out onto the back yard, I realized how tall the grass has become and became angry that I purchased a lawn mower at the advice of my husband. His thoughts were that it would save me money in the long run since he could do the mowing for me. Of course, I realized that I was angry that he had only taken care of the front lawn a week ago and hadnt mentioned the backyard since. So how did I get to this type of thinking? Now, I am feeling guilty for the choices I have made and becoming angry with myself. The only natural thing to do is shift this blame to someone else. Right?
In an attempt to get the day started I got dressed, packed up my books and drove to the local McDonald's to have coffee. Perhaps I could forget about the grass for now. If I just take the first step and get out the door, maybe God will show me where I can spend the day today and what I can do that will be productive for Him. After all, He can't get glory out of my sitting around feeling sorry for myself.
As I sipped on my coffee and reread a chapter from the latest book I am reading, The Hidden Life, I realized this chapter focused on the need for God's perfect love to come and cast out all of our "fear". I better pay attention to these thoughts. God was already meeting me at my point of need.
Just then I received a call from a dear friend who seemed to be having the same crisis in her own life. Not to say that we have exactly the same circumstances but our responses to our situations seemed much the same. The feelings of just "running away" and feeling we have not really been connecting to our one and only Source were common ground for the two of us. As we talked I realized that this conversation was very important and was blessing me as I hoped it was blessing my friend.
Ever had a time when God just connected the dots and brought the opportunity for you to speak with just the right person at the right time of day? This was one of those moments. It was as if Betty Skinner's words which I had just finished reading were the words each of us needed to hear. We could stay tied up in our offenses, our missed opportunities, our failures of the past, or we could see the value in the moment and what God is trying to do in the midst of our circumstances.
In both our lives there are circumstances that are difficult to understand and also impossible for us to control and change. When we discover how powerless we are to control others or change our circumstances, the fear takes over and we are ready to bolt--run away--find another person, place, church, home, workplace that will bring an end to the fear so we can finally have the peace we think we deserve.
All the time, God is calling us to return to Him. He is our First Love, our Source. He alone is the answer, that which will satisfy. He is our Peace.
It is in this very real struggle between the paralyzing fears of a 'false self' (Betty's words in her book) and the re-created self-the Christ self, that we live each day. Returning to Him is a real struggle, but when we surrender to His voice, we will find Him waiting to order our day, banish our fears, give us the wisdom we seek and become our peace.
After this conversation, I sat in two different parking lots trying to determine where I should go for the day and what I should do. "Where can I go Lord to find You today and hear your voice and find your plan for today?" Looking back on this, it seems incomprehensible that one could not figure out how to spend a beautiful sunshiny day. Another example of how much the enemy would like to steal all our moments and our days.
Finally I sensed that I should go back home, stop running and surrender. I would like to say that I surrendered immediately upon coming home. Instead, I tried to crank the lawnmower for 10 minutes and finally gave up. I heard Him say loud and clear, "GIVE IT UP! He wanted me to look past the tall grass, past the anger at myself and others and take in the beauty around me. After all, the fears I have about my husband not following through with the mowing are not in my power to change. When I am afraid, I am disconnected from Him and He is my Source.
Waiting is one of the most difficult pieces in our spiritual journey. We want to outrun God but our growth depends on conciously letting go of our fears and allowing our circumstances to teach us what He intends for us through them. We are anxious in the waiting, filled with our own expectations, planing our own agendas. It becomes a subtle way of trying to control the outcome which can bring disappointment, discouragement, even despair.
When I begin to trust that He will bring me whatever I need, then I can experience a kind of open ended waiting. Faith will come and I can trust that He will cast out my fear.
I put on my comfortable clothes and sat down on the deck overlooking the tall grass and became quiet. I knew He was about to set me free from my personal agenda and all my expectations of the day. As Betty so clearly pointed out in the chapter I read earlier, we cannot fully embrace the moment if we live in either the past or the future. I slowly let go of the fears that He showed me as I sat in the beautiful sunshine and waited to hear His voice.
Here is what He said to me when I fully surrendered to the quiet and let go of my fears.
"Have I not positioned you for such a time as this? And given you a Voice? It is not the voice of another. You have not chosen this voice but I have chosen you... to stand in the gap for those in your family. You will be like a well watered garden as you come before me and rivers of living water will flow from you to those around you who are weary, disappointed, discouraged and on the brink of despair. Do not despise this position I have given you. It is in these moments you spend with me that I will prepare you as an Anna to speak of Jesus to all who are looking for redemption. You have a Voice... it is unique like every bird's voice you have heard today. Only you can fill the position I have given you. I have set you in this position for such a time as this."
Ladies,
I cannot express to you how important it was that I SURRENDER to His plan for today. Having given my fears to Him, my heart was ready to receive this message from Him. Without surrender there would have been no place for this message to take root in my heart. I have struggled for awhile with His call to prayer for others. He has shown me over the last 3 months how prayer moves the mountains that I often try to manipulate and move myself. I pray that my very real struggle as silly as it may seem will speak to your heart in some way. I am trusting that something of this message will find a place to take root in your heart.
I John 4:18 AMP "There is no fear in love[dread does not exist], but full-grown (complete and perfect love) turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror! For fear brings with it the thought of punishment, and [so] he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love [is not yet grown into love's complete perfection]. "
Let's allow Him to landscape our hearts and remove the spirit of fear everytime it comes and plant His love deeply into our hearts so that we will be rooted and grounded in that love. Then we can show others that love more readily because we will be connected to the Source, for HE IS LOVE.
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