At the Root of it All

As a cathartic, therapeutic exercise and also the dream God deposited in my heart to write a book, I began recording a sort of memoir of my own life. The stops and starts and intense struggle with which I have journeyed through this process have been eye opening and heart rending.

Recently I had emergency surgery while visiting with my son and daughter in law in Cary. The morning passed quickly as I spent time with my six month old grandson and relishing every moment of my time with him. Just like a cloudless day, with nothing on the horizon to indicate a storm, I had lunch with my son at his lunch hour and wished him well as he left to return to work. The baby went down for a nap. I grabbed a quick bite of lunch, grabbing a book to pass the time until the baby aroused from his nap.

From out of the nowhere, the pain erupted in my abdomen and grew in intensity throughout the afternoon. Fortunately, the my grandson slept peacefully in his swing, unaffected by the storm brewing in my body. His three and a half hour nap was a blessing I could only hope for as I stretched out and prayed for relief from the pain. It was hours later, after my son and daughter in law had both returned home from work, I humbled myself and asked if someone would take me to the emergency room. My daughter in law had worked about ten hours that day at the hospital making it very difficult for me to ask her to return there for who could guess how long it might take to discover the problem.

For several weeks, God had been speaking to me about removing  some "root issues" in my life. I knew He was about to do some more pruning in my life but had no idea he would use the physical surgery to begin a process of healing in my heart. The appendectomy went well and I was on my way home the next day with instructions from my doctor to "take it easy" for a few weeks. My daughter and sister arrived on the scene to drive me home since I was under orders not to drive until I might be ready to drive defensively without pain. Since it is one hundred twenty five miles between our homes, I was thankful for their willingness to get me home and into my own bed where I spent quite a few days waking up from the narcotics which I was not used to having in my body.

After reading about the questions that have long surrounded the usefulness or lack thereof an appendix has in our bodies, I continued to wonder about the suddenness with which my pain surfaced that day in Cary. The only physical pain I could remember was the dull backache I'd had driving to my son's the night before. The thought occurred to me more than once during my recovery that God had spoken to me about cutting or removing some things from my life that were continuing to bring pain and  furthermore had no value in my life. I was beginning to see in the removal of what some would call this useless, four inch, vestial organ, a picture of what God wanted to do in my life.

Stripped of my physical strength for the last four weeks, I was faced with days of struggling with my identity and my own usefulness and purpose. I was brought face to face with the realization my identity has largely been founded on what I can do for others. While working through Beth Moore's Breaking Free Bible Study last year, God revealed my deep seated fears of not having anyone to care for me. On cloudless, pain free days, I have been able to function and masquerade my way through the "insecurity" of this deep rooted issue in my life. Life holds many opportunities for those who need the approval of others to find their purpose and fulfillment in "doing and performing." But what happens when that person finds themselves in a weakened position either physically, emotionally, or even financially?

How did I fare when faced with humbling myself and allowing others to attend to my needs? I would like to say I submitted myself to the whole process. It was indeed a growing experience. Within two weeks I was dealing with severe fatigue after pushing myself to resume my normal schedule of activities. The truth I have had to face during this past five weeks is my inability to believe that I am worthy of others concern and care. The transparency to share this thought has come through my time in God's Word during this season and a divine appointment with another of Beth Moore's books, So Long, Insecurity.

As sure as the surgeon has removed my appendix and the pain that sent me to the emergency room, God is bringing His scalpel to my heart again to cut out at the root the deep insecurity which has held me captive since my childhood. Beth Moore assures me I am in good company, including herself, as I submit myself to the Surgeon and Great Physician once again. He, in His great mercy and love, will not allow me to stay in this place of insecurity.

I can't share all that God is doing in my heart in the wake of my surgery in  one post, however, I hope that others struggling with deep insecurity will recognize the myriads of ways insecurity robs us of the real life that is found in Jesus Christ. If you have struggled with your identity and would like to join me in a search for authentic security in Jesus Christ, I welcome your comments.