Hi girls,
I'm not sure if any of you are getting this via RSS feed but I just needed to unload tonight. I am struggling with my victim mentality and anger tonight. I think somehow the two are tied together.
Here's the situation..... I am planning to go to Raleigh tomorrow to a bazaar which is about 120 miles from here. I have made trips farther away than this all alone but I usually have to talk to myself for days to get up the courage to just follow through with it. I always enjoy myself and wonder why it was such a struggle. Well, back to tomorrow's trip. I have a tire that is slack and was going to go and put air in it today. It was raining all day which gave me an excuse to put off making the decision to get something done about it. Now it is 12 midnight and I am faced with just not going tomorrow, or getting out in the morning to get it done early so I can get on the road. The problem is the victim mentality and the anger are coming into play. My daughter called me at 11:15 to ask me if I was going and saying she would pray for me to have safe travel. She knew I was supposed to get air in the tire and I told her I had not done so. It was one of those uncomfortable conversations because I know she picked up on my under the cover anger. The anger is coming from feeling like a victim, being mad at myself and angry with those I feel should come to my rescue. I have been angry with my son in law and my brother in law recently because they have said they were going to come and help me do some things that I needed help with around the house (broken garbage disposal, piece of furniture that needs to be moved). Its not like I asked them yesterday or that they promised me last week. They have known these things needed to be done for weeks and months. So tonight I am feeling like the victim, no one cares about helping me and I am neglected. I am angry because I have no husband and no one who cares that I cant lift a piece of furniture to move it out of my house. I guess all day I thought that my son in law would perhaps offer to take a look at my tire. I didnt want to ask him since he hasnt responded to the last request for help.Then, to top it all off, my son in law is over at a friend's house tonight helping him hang doors. I could go on but it will only get uglier. I just had to get this off my chest because I am so agitated and I need to get some rest if I am to drive tomorrow. It will be very difficult for me to motivate myself to get out there tomorrow and go to my destination. I pray I will find the strength I hide behind the victim mentality and put it into use so I can defeat this monster in my life. I fear no one will see this and then I will be even angrier and feel more like a victim. Wow, that was honest. I fear your rejection simply for saying that. Oh well, what do I have to lose at this point. The old way hasnt worked, so let's try something new. Maybe anger and honesty will unlock the door to my healing!
