April 27, 2009
The last three weeks have gone by quickly and I have not been diligent in the writing of my story. What I feel happening is a “slipping back into old patterns”. As the days and then weeks have passed, the thing that comes to mind is my struggle to maintain healthy boundaries for myself. I have tried to remain faithful to my bible study time and my time with the grandchildren. I have not been slack in my church attendance nor have I really missed opportunities to minister to others. I have however, neglected being involved in Wednesday night prayer ministry and the time I had devoted to prayer and the writing of my book. Every afternoon as it gets time for Roger to finish up his work, I have felt that need to be at home and have something prepared for him to eat. Having been single for the last 14 months and not having this responsibility has changed the way I look at my days. I have allowed myself to put more priority on the end of the day and how I will minister to my husband than how I will minister to my First Love and the priorities He might have for my day.
Very gradually I have fallen into a pattern of a wife caring for her husband, even though we are still living separately. When we were discussing my attitude about something one night, Roger said “I wish you had things you enjoyed doing and were interested in yourself.” That statement clued me in on the pattern that was developing and the absence of my boundaries. I am also reminded of the panicky feeling of forgetting my cell phone when going to church yesterday and wondering what would happen if Roger called me while I had no way of answering. That sense of fear returned, a fear of his anger and rejection. I have also been paying attention to the feelings I have of not having control over certain areas of our relationship. It seems that slowly we have fallen into a pattern of his coming over, even showering before having dinner.
When he made this statement about my lack of interests, I was angry inside and felt resentment that he has interests and takes the time to pursue them. I however, have fallen into that old trap of believing my interests take a back seat to his interests. I made a conscious effort to amend this for a couple of days, even having the grandchildren over for a sleepover and not seeing him for a couple of days. I have discovered however, it may take more than a couple of days of amending my schedule to break this old pattern of unhealthy boundaries in my life.
I want to give myself credit for recognizing the real emotions involved in this stronghold. Also, I need to see the growth in my recognizing the stronghold itself and the need for breaking through these old habits and patterns of relating. My reply to Roger was that I have been behaving as a wife in the past several weeks, putting him first,as a wife would normally do in a relationship with her husband. Since we are not living as husband and wife this creates a real dilemma for me in creating healthy boundaries for myself at this time. More than an issue about whether to cook or not to cook, this is an issue of what I want to allow in our relationship as we talk about going forward. Every boundary I allow to be crossed at this point in our relationship, will set up an expectation, a pattern or way of doing something that would be unhealthy for our relationship. I must be fully convinced in my own mind what I am willing to tolerate in my relationship or my boundaries will be violated repeatedly and possibly to a greater degree in the future as I fail to uphold the standards I wish to have when we reconcile.
In the book, Lifesaving Principles for Women, I read some of the reasons it is important to have boundaries. Without boundaries, there is little control over one’s own life. It takes a lot of strength, perseverance and self-respect to maintain boundaries that are constantly being assaulted or tested. In unhealthy relationships, the boundary lines have been so blurred that maintaining a healthy boundary will be a challenge and will require great vigilance.
In continuing to read about this subject in this book, I found some of the reasons I may struggle with setting boundaries in this relationship. Knowing that setting boundaries will be one of the most effective ways I can change my relationship with my husband, I want to get to the root cause of unhealthy boundaries in my life. At the top of the list of reasons I might have difficulty setting boundaries would be my desire to “keep the peace.” I also don’t trust my own thoughts, feelings and perceptions of what is happening in my relationship. Fearing his reaction and the abandonment I have experienced before in this relationship is another key reason along with the fear of actually following through with consequences.
Some of the boundaries I must consider at this time are:
What I am willing to do
What I am willing to accept and tolerate
What I find offensive
What I will watch and listen to
Where I will go
What type of treatment I consider respectful
What is sin for me (the gray areas outside of God’s specific commands)
What I believe and value
What are my needs and priorities
I choose to add this one to the list from the book:
What are my interests and the things God is calling me to
As I contemplate this list, I realize I already have some things I must undo or attach consequences to in having more healthy boundaries.
I want to encourage others to respect me and have self respect as well. I want to live true to my convictions and accomplish all that God is calling me to do.
The two questions I must answer right now in dealing with the issues at hand are:
Where does my responsibility begin and end? And where does his responsibility start and end? In living separate and apart, this is a very difficult question. Since he agreed to cut the grass for me, do I accept this as his responsibility and then find myself angry and resentful when he doesn’t follow through because of his schedule? Or should I accept this as my responsibility since I am the only one living in this house at the present time.
Is it my responsibility to prepare his meals for him and what is my motive in doing so? If it is only to keep the peace then I need to rethink this as part of my responsibility.
In this book, she recommends that one be clear about the conditions needing to be changed. A clear list of changes is recommended so that each person has a clear goal to work towards in reconciling. It also helps each person to know if the criteria have been met so they will not reunite prematurely before real change has occurred. Separation has some negative aspects. It is financially expensive and brings a freedom to each individual which may make it more difficult for the individuals to come back together.
This quote from the book really speaks to the place where many women are struggling in an unhealthy or difficult marriage.
“The decision to leave your marriage can be more difficult than staying in it. Only you can make the final determination that your marriage is so damaging and toxic you must end it to save yourself and your children.” I would like to add that entering back into the relationship after separation can also be very difficult. The same determination must be made as to whether the relationship or marriage continues to be toxic or damaging or whether more healthy patterns are being established.
Eccelesiastes 3:1-8 expresses the balance between the need to tolerate and the need to set boundaries. One thing I have need of today is a time of soul searching to find the answers to the questions stated earlier. Number one on that list is the one I added for my personal inventory about boundaries. “What is God calling me to do and how does He want me to invest in the relationships that are a part of my life at the present time?” There is indeed a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven. What time is it for me? What time is it for you?
