I love to write and often spend time writing in a journal. I especially like to record things that God speaks to my heart when I spend time with Him in prayer or reading His Word.
About a year ago, I asked the Lord one day,"What are you saying to me right now?" I heard very clearly the following things as I waited in His presence.
1)Become consistent
2)Be real and authentic
3)Let me heal you from the inside-out
4)Come to the cross where my love poured out for you
I felt the Lord was asking me to "lay it all down" and let Him heal me as I consistently came before Him to find that inside-out kind of healing. As you well know, we often have good intentions and plan to follow God's directives, but life happens and we find ourselves wondering what happened to those lofty plans to follow God's voice.
I was involved in a support group at the time at the Barnabas Center where 8 women met weekly to "be real" and to encourage and support each other as we dealt with the pain of betrayal. Each of our spouses was involved in some way with pornography. Circumstances and situations were different but the pain was the same.
One night we discussed journaling as a way of dealing with our emotions and the discussion turned to "being real" in our journal writing. Were we really supposed to share the dark thoughts and feelings we have as a result of the painful betrayal we had experienced. What if our children or grandchildren somehow managed to see the words we had written? What if we died and the sordid details of our lives were found and open for all to see?
I determined that night I would buy a journal in which I would record my real and authentic thoughts, emotions and experiences. Before I sound like I am beating up on myself, let me say I have improved in my level of authenticity. However, today I questioned myself once again about how real I really am with those around me.
Since September I have been working on a book about my life. I have written nearly 100 pages and have made an attempt to be as transparent as possible in conveying the real pain of my life and how God has met me in the midst of it.
I still find myself wanting to hide behind the mask I have worn for so many years, I am afraid my real face might be frightening if I were to rip it off all at once. I guess that is why God gives us the grace to heal one step at a time.
Well, here goes for a new level of transparency. I pray that the revelation of my pain will in some way touch your heart. Perhaps the emotions I feel right now will be something you can identify with today. Maybe you have been so numb you cant put words to what you are feeling. This sacrifice is for my own healing and for yours. Open your heart and allow God to move into that place these words touch today.
Four days ago my husband once again walked away from me in anger and hasnt made contact since. My heart although much stronger than it was the first time he walked out on me, feels much the same. It feels like someone put it on a roller coaster and let it rip up and down those peaks and valleys, and I can almost hear my heart screaming with the pain. Then once I get off the roller coaster, I find my heart is on the tilt a whirl, dizzy with all the thoughts of what if....what happened... what next...Have you ever ridden the carousel and felt the world is all as it should be only to find yourself riding in the Bullet where you are turned upside down, inside out and every which way but loose?
The truth is I feel nauseous,confused,lost and yet relieved, hopeful and even excited. Its really enough to make one question their sanity. Sometimes I feel as if my life might actually be sweeter like that pink,puffy mound of cotton candy and then
POOF! that feeling of hope seems to melt just like the cotton candy on my tongue. I feel like I am on overload just like I felt as a child walking through the fairgrounds as a child. Too much to see, too much to think about, too much to process. What is the solution for getting through this maze of emotions and sometimes the lack therof?
It seems I must go back to my instructions. If I can be real, authentic and come consistently before my Father, He will heal me from the inside out. I thought about this today. What good does it do for me to pretend I dont have really hateful feelings towards my husband right now? My Father already knows and His word says He is touched by my grief and sorrow.
So girls, here is REAL
I am sick of being treated like I live in a house with a revolving door (anger)
I want to throw away every thing in this house that reminds me of him (vengeful)
I wish I'd never met him (regretful)
I dont want others to know he has left me again (angry and full of shame)
I want to call him and beg him to come back (fearful)
I want to erase this post (fear of others disapproval in being real)
I really dont have a perfect ending to this post. I usually work really hard to end anything I write with a perfect ending. The problem is, this post is real and there is NO PERFECT ENDING.
I will be curious to see your reactions to this post.
