The 28 weeks I spent at Barnabas Center for the purpose of finding healing from the affects of my former husband's addiction to pornography was only the beginning of the healing journey. One of the most important things I discovered was my propensity to live as a victim of my past. Trapped in habitual negative thinking and a victim mentality, I was in for a rude awakening.
Learning to “be present” was terminology used frequently in the group sessions I experienced with seven other hurting women. I have to admit I was clueless of the meaning of this word for more than half of my time at Barnabas. Living in the moment was something I'd never done, having been held captive by my past for so many years. Living with a victim mentality was so comfortable for me, I had no idea it was stealing my present and my future.
Hearing the leaders of our group repeatedly ask women “Are you present with us?” seemed a foolish and almost laughable question in the beginning. I confess blatantly sarcastic thoughts like, “well, she's sitting right there in front of you.” This might be a clue to the condition of my heart at the time as well. Just as pointed as this question was to others in the group, came the personal and painful comments of the other women as they shared their observations of me during group sessions. You see, at Barnabas, we were not allowed the luxury of hiding behind the facades and walls we'd allowed to be built up in our lives to this point. I am forever grateful to the women who had the courage to confront the truth of what they saw in my life. It was in this setting, the chipping away at wrong patterns of thinking began. It would be weeks before the stronghold of a 'victim mentality' began to come down in my life. Today I thank God for those who initiated the process by speaking the truth in love and showing me my choice to address or ignore the fall out that had occurred in my life as a result of this stronghold (habitual pattern of wrong thinking).
It's been quite some time since my time at Barnabas. I'd like to tell you that 28 weeks took care of the brick wall I'd erected around my heart in hopes I'd be protected from further pain. I guess I was experiencing something like a “leaky heart” when it comes to healing from past emotional and sexual abuse. As my father's doctor described the other day, the valves of the heart are designed to work in tandem, one bringing in the blood and one pumping it out of the heart. With long usage, for example 86 years of life, the valves can stiffen and no longer close properly creating this leaky heart issue. After years of entertaining a victim mind set, I'd come to accept and allow the lies in my heart even in light of all the words of truth I'd studied and heard as a Christian. It was almost as if my heart was leaking out the promises of God while allowing the lies to be pumped into my mind poisoning my life.
Recently, I received a link to a teaching on trauma followed by a prayer for any trauma one has experienced in life. As I was listening, one phrase jumped out at me and tears ran down my face. This simple phrase sounded louder than every other part of the prayer.
“Waiting for the other shoe to drop”
I realized immediately this was a mindset I was still entertaining on a daily basis. It seems I'd always been waiting for the “next bad thing” to happen in my life. The fear that I will always make wrong choices has sometimes kept me frozen in the present. I'm always the victim so what will the victim experience next?
I'd like to share how God has used these two phrases in my healing.
”Are you present with us tonight?”
“Waiting for the other shoe to drop,”
These two phrases have been separated by quite some time, several years in fact. I've had time and opportunity to move forward, leaving behind the idea that my future is determined by my past or even my present circumstances. As I look back on the first revelation now, I understand that it was necessary for me to first learn that I was frozen in the past. Allowing myself to feel the pain of the past abuse and bring it before God and other women at Barnabas was one of the first steps on the healing path for me.
It was a thawing out of sorts. For those who've ever built a snowman, only to watch it melt away, leaving behind only traces of what once was, perhaps you can understand and even share my ensuing confusion and feelings of discouragement as I continued to struggle with habitual thinking, wondering if I could ever become a different person.
God's Word promises a surpassing victory to those who are in Christ Jesus. When the heat and pressure of circumstances have come in the years since that first step, I've felt myself melting under the pressure, leaving behind the remnants of what once was a feeling of promised victory unfulfilled. Like the joy and beauty of making a snowman standing erect in the sunlight, there've been days I felt I had nothing to show for my time there.
Continuing to erect my walls of protection, waiting for the other shoe to drop, I seemed to know where I came from but not where I was going. It was as God gave me this second phrase as a new revelation, I began to understand where the battle was being waged. A real war was happening right between my ears, this war could consume the remainder of my days on earth, stealing my present and robbing me of hope for any future. The belief that my future would always be marred by my past was a stronghold in my mind that would have to come down. Thoughts about what happened in my past have been holding me hostage in my present and making it impossible for me to walk into my future. I recognized my need to have a whole new mindset.
When we become the new creation in Christ spoken about in II Corinthians 5:17, we are born again in our spirit man. Our minds are up for grabs, if you will, and I've known for some time we must make a choice as to the renewal of our minds. It has been in this step I've faltered, see-sawing between the choice to renew my mind and allowing myself to be conformed to this world. Preferring the comfort of what seems to be normal after years of living a victim mentality can prevent one from taking the necessary steps to let go of the past completely. Change is uncomfortable and requires effort on our parts if we are to see results.
It wasn't many days after I heard the expression “waiting for the other shoe to drop” that I came across a prayer in Stormie Omartian's book that gave me another confirmation that I was on the right track.
“Father,
Enable me to let go of the past completely. Deliver me from the hold it has on me. Help me put off the former conduct and habitual ways of thinking and help me be renewed in my mind. (Ephesians 4:22-23) Enlarge my understanding of the scripture in Revelations 21:5, “You make all things new.”
Show me a fresh, Holy Spirit inspired way of relating to negative things that have happened to me. Give me the mind of Christ so I can clearly discern Your voice from voices of the past. When I hear the old voices, enable me to rise up and shut them down with the truth of your Word.”
As 2012 began, God opened my eyes to see that I had a responsibility to renew my mind with His Word. While I can attest to His faithfulness to help me in this effort, I am finally recognizing I must take the initiative in this battle. In this prayer words like “enable and show me,” “deliver me,” and “enlarge my understanding,” are cries for his help. His faithfulness cannot be denied. Soon after this I found a scripture to refute the lie that I could always expect the other shoe to drop and remain a victim of my past forever.
“And therefore the Lord [earnestly] waits [expecting, looking and longing] to be gracious to you; and therefore He lifts himself up, that He may have mercy on you and show loving-kindness to you. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) are all those who [earnestly] wait for Him, who expect and look and long for Him [for His victory, His favor, His love, His peace, His joy, and His matchless, unbroken companionship]!
Did you see it there? The victory is not only in what He does but in my earnest waiting and expectation of all the good things He has promised. I play a part in my own healing. I am reminded of some words in a scripture that jumped off the page as I was reading in early January.
“...because My word has no entrance (makes no progress, does not find any place) in you.”
These words of Jesus pierced my heart that day. These words followed the familiar words in John 8:32, ”and you will know the Truth and the Truth will set you free.” That day I was faced with a choice. That's what it boils down to, a choice, to accept the lies or shut them down with the truth. God has given me His Word as a weapon to shut down the old voices of the past or trust the truth of His Word and gain the victory over my enemy.
I am reminded of my renewed vision to write that came in 2008 and the discouragement I've felt in following through over the last four years. Today my eyes fell on the original scripture God gave me in September 2008. The second part of this verse brings peace to my heart as I realize He's been moving me in the right direction all along.
“The things God plans won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, I do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. I will just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!” (Habakkuk 2:3)
Surely God opened my eyes to see that I have made progress... slow and steady progress as I've walked this healing path. I will accept the responsibility He has presented me in the present to take part in the renewal of my mind and wait with expectation for what He is going to do next to fulfill the vision He has for my life.
As we continue, I'd like to share with you some ways I first learned to renew my mind in my early days of healing at Barnabas. The first practical tool will take commitment to daily quiet time and prayer. Now that I have been practicing this in my own life, I am gaining the surpassing victory as I become more Word-minded and shut down habitual thinking and refute the lies of the enemy. Even if you've failed before, join me in expectation that God will be gracious and extend His loving-kindness to you in every effort you make to renew your mind with His Word.
So don't just wait for the other shoe to drop, expecting much of the same for your life. Join me in expecting God to bring transformation to your life as you make the choice to try the following practices in the next couple of weeks. Like myself you may need longer or you may find yourself coming back to this practice in months or years to come. Just know that God is slowly, steadily, surely bringing His vision to pass in your life as you partner with Him.
Buy a journal for recording the following daily...
Today I am feeling______________________.
When I have these feelings I have these thoughts______________.
When I have these thoughts I want to________________________.
The lie I am believing is__________________________________.
Ask God to show you something in His Word that refutes this lie of the enemy.
Today my prayer is______________________________________.
Don't allow yourself to become discouraged. In the beginning, I was very unsure of my feelings. Having been in an abusive situation for quite some time, I had been accustomed to getting caught up in the emotions of someone else. Allow God to show you one emotion and thought at the time. Go with Him, He will lead you gently as you make the choice to follow Him.
