This morning I found that place of quiet contemplation as I waited before God and opened my heart to Him. I was thinking about my time with my grandchildren yesterday and the impact I might have on their lives. First, I had those familiar guilty thoughts about how I'd grown somewhat irritable near the end of the day. I never seemed to get cool yesterday. These days it seems the hormones are a daily distraction and unless I'm seated under a ceiling fan I struggle to keep cool.
Well, back to the thoughts I brought to Him this morning. More than anything else, I want to be a real and authentic person with my grandchildren. I want them to look at me and see a person who really knows and accepts the love of God so they can find their way to Him early in their lives. It seems I struggled for so many years with believing He really loved me.
First, I talked to God about my feelings of guilt... the feeling I had not been perfect with my grandchildren yesterday. We had so many wonderful moments during our day together but I was focused on the moments that had not been so sweet. As I told God my heart was to love them with His love and be a picture of that love for them, I felt His incredible touch as He showed me I must let go of the illusion that I can be a "perfect grandmother."
Illusions.... how many times I came across that idea as I read the book, The Hidden Life, the story of Betty Skinner. Written by two women who were mentored by Betty, it has spoken healing to some of the deepest parts of my heart. The authors, Kitty Crenshaw and Catherine Snapp, PhD, have beautifully captured the journey of one woman, Betty Skinner, in her search for a life of wholeness. Through these two authors, Betty speaks with incredible vulnerability about her life and journey to a life surrendered to God and how her heart was literally transformed by the love of God. Her poetry alone captures the real life experiences of Betty as she finds the way to wholeness through determination and utter dependence on God. Betty's experiences continue to touch my heart as I am on my 3rd time through the book.
This morning as I opened the book to the chapter titled, Unfolding Beauty, I saw the message again. The one that God has been driving home in my life for several years. Colossians 3:3..."My real life is hidden with Christ in God." For at least a year, I questioned God about the meaning of this verse and as I seek the answer, He continues to be faithful to bring it to me. He is unfolding the beauty of the Christ- self that lives inside of me. Covered over by years of illusion and lies, the real and authentic person He created me to be is unfolding. A part of my own journey is like that of Betty Skinner. I believe that is why this book speaks so personally to my heart. As He teaches me to take my focus from myself and turn it to Him, I am finding the healing love of God poured into my heart like the healing balm spoken of in the scriptures.
Today, as I read page 129, something within ignited in my heart. I'd like to share those words with you.
"In creation, God offered me a gift that was not at all threatening. Being a fearful person, I needed to bring something inside myself that was beyond me and was not frightening. Love was manifesting Himself to me through creation and it was stilling my fear. I know now that as I brought God's perfect love into me, it cast out all of my fear and healed me...... One way to bring God into ourselves is to discover Him outside of ourselves. I found Him in creation, but others might find Him in the love of another, a painting, or a magnificent piece of music. These are hints of Something beyond and far greater than us.... We hear the Voice within calling us His beloved and we know, just for that moment in time, that there is something way beyond calling us home to be our true self, calling us home to our Christ-self that has been put in us from the beginning of time.Opening ourselves to receive Him by savoring these moments of heightened perception brings us into a deeper and deeper oneness and love relationship with God." (Crenshaw and Snapp, p.129)
As I continued to read the chapter, I realized the times I have felt most alive in the last years are times when I am closest to nature and His creation. In a culture where the majority of us are busy running in the rat race that has become normal, a life of contemplation and finding God's beauty in nature seems a bit outdated and to some even peculiar. I am finding that creation itself speaks to me of God's love for us. The photo above of the beautiful gossamer wings of one of His winged creatures spoke to me just days ago about my need for patience and persistence as I waited and persevered to get this shot. I am beginning to see God's love in everything, just as Betty learned to do. And as Betty so beautifully expressed in her sharing with the authors, I want to "quietly press it into my heart."
Taking quiet times to reflect on God's beauty brought balance and healing into Betty's life. As I think about the most beautiful times I've had with my grandchildren to date, I often think of times when we have connected together through something God has created for us to enjoy.... a rainbow, watering the beautiful flowers, a beautiful song that set our feet to dancing or a time of chasing bubbles and watching as they drift over the housetop beyond our reach.
He is not beyond our reach. We are hidden inside our God and He in us. No wonder the times of frustration and failure come when our focus becomes our schedule, the duties, the rushing and racing about to meet time frames and deadlines. With Betty's story I am learning that wholeness involves balance in our lives. Certainly we will have times when we must observe a schedule and plan our days accordingly. But, I am finding that the Hidden Life, the life hidden within Christ, calls us to draw away from those things every day to find the authentic, real life of God within us.
As I finish up my thoughts for today, I share the holy moments of hidden life I shared with my grandchildren yesterday.
The real conversation we had about being called names...
Watering the plants and removing the dead leaves....
Watching my turtle adventure captured on video together....
Cuddling...
Acting out their own made up stories of rescuing animals (what a beautiful thing for children to think of)
Praying for their first day of school together...
What a waste if I were to find myself bogged down in the schedule, the failures, the missed opportunities of yesterday. I come away from my time of quiet with Him today with the renewed picture of the joy in the journey. I will not be perfect before I meet Him but He perfects my way. Yesterday I was my real self, growing in God's love for me and others. My heart is one day deeper in its surrender to His perfect love. I don't have to be perfect. He's perfect in me.
