This morning I woke early. Taking my coffee to my favorite chair I settled in to read the Word and get into my regular morning routine. Can you say ritual? My mind started racing as I thought of the one day conference I plan to attend on Saturday.
The conference is training for speaking out about Domestic Violence. Racing through my mind were questions of whether this is the direction God would have me go. While I tried to focus my attention on Him, pictures of past abuse and real situations came to the front of my mind. Quite naturally it seems the next thought flooded my mind. “Don't go there again...that's the past. After all, you are finally living in peace, why not just enjoy your life for a change. Maybe, just being an example of living a peaceful life will be an example for other women.” However, the opposing thoughts of how the passion has risen to the surface the last several days as I was confronted with several articles concerning domestic violence and also the harmful effects of pornography.
Feelings of frustration and even condemnation surfaced as I found myself struggling to get into prayer or even the desire to read the Word. Finally, I gave into the urge to go into my bedroom and lie across the bed. Suddenly, the word “illusion” came floating into my mind as I stared at the artificial tree standing by my bed. Decorative and yet lifeless, it seemed to be the perfect picture of illusion to me at the moment.
Peace... am I really at peace in my life? My home is quiet most every day, only changing when my grandchildren are over, filling it with the sounds of laughter and conversation. When they left yesterday after an almost 24 hour visit (sleepover), I immediately recognized the deafening sound of silence in the room. Even the presence of another person sleeping in another room seems to fill a home with sounds one would not hear living alone. The sounds of movement as the children toss and turn during the night or the soft sounds of slumbering children... a cough or a sigh, gentle snoring have a way of bringing comfort and peace.
As He gently drew me into a conversation, I heard the question clearly. Is it possible that you have told others you are living at peace, but your heart is still filled with unrest? And of course, I knew the answer. The conflicting nature of my mind and emotions for the last several months prove I am still engaged in a spiritual battle. There are thousands, maybe millions of women who would trade places with me right now to find an “oasis,” or quiet place without the turmoil and conflict raging in their homes. I remember the longing for peace while living in a house filled with fear, strife and confusion. While the battle raging within the four walls of my home has been silenced, the battle for “heart peace” continues.
Even “letting go” of the routine and settling into a place where I can just “listen” is difficult for me. Over the last several weeks, God has been showing me how difficult it is for me to live a peace-filled life. When one's life begins with strife and discord as the foundation, one almost feels guilty to engage and enjoy the peace of God. He comes with the offering of letting oneself off the hook for just one morning. Instead, like a worker bee, feeling I must keep on task or else the hive will collapse due to my failure to produce the necessary but endless trips to gather for the others, I fail to find the rest He so longs for me to find.
I'm sure others around me have sensed my unrest. Even my words betray me as I flit from one thought like a bee flitting from flower to flower in my endless search for heart peace. Somehow I know as intimately as the bee knows just what his place is in this world, I know my place is to find satisfaction in being the one God made me to become. The one who attacked my character and with seemingly malicious intent no longer resides in this house with me. Why does the battle still rage for the peace of my heart? Divorced now from the abuser but still feeling the abuse of the constant questions about how to go forward, I recognize the illusion of peace will never satisfy. Just like the lifeless tree standing by my bed, it looks like the real thing but a mere touch begs one to differ. Illusions, the appearance of real life is not what I'm searching for but a life teeming with possibility and passion.
As I glanced to my left I spotted the book I have been reading, The Help, a page turner I have difficulty putting down. THAT is what my life is meant to become.... a page turner. As I felt impressed to look inside the cover, I knew God was speaking directly to me. Almost immediately I felt the infusion of something that felt like real life pumping through my veins. Reading the book jacket summary I saw these words. “Seemingly different from one another as can be, these women will nonetheless come together for a clandestine project that will put them all at risk. And why? Because they are suffocating within the lines that define their times. And sometimes lines are made to be crossed.
The last paragraph speaks of how the author creates 3 women whose determination starts a movement that changes their town and the way women, mothers, daughters, caregivers, and friends view one another. I hear God tapping on the windows of my heart as He shows me some key things about my absence of heart peace.
The tug of war going on in my heart is not a detestable thing. He does not hold me in disdain as I struggle with the future. He knows the disablement that occurred as the enemy sought to destroy me particularly through the abusive relationship I just exited. I have drawn lines about my own heart, denying access to others to avoid pain. Others have purposefully and others unwittingly drawn lines I fear crossing over. He invites me through this book to peer into the hearts of other women who experienced fear as He invited them to step over the line and take a deep breath of His life giving purpose.
Stepping back out into the lives of others still experiencing the pain of abuse, violence and abandonment will require that I step out of an illusion of peace and into the real life struggles of other women. In some ways, staying in a place that looks secure and peaceful is like a death of its own. I reach out and touch one of the leaves of the artificial tree. The dry, crunchy feel betrays the appearance of life it gives to the room. It fills the corner with some color and fills and EMPTY space. All day long it can stand in my bedroom and it will never shed any dead leaves onto the carpet. No matter how hot the summer sun bears down through the window, it will never expire from the scorching summer heat. It has no life. One only has to touch it to see how dead and lifeless.
When Lazarus was raised from the dead, the people stripped him of his grave clothes. To live with an illusion of peace, an external experience of moving out of an abusive relationship or relationships but never experience the true heart peace Jesus purchased would be a travesty of the worst kind. What if Lazarus had enjoyed wearing his grave clothes just to make sure others knew his testimony? He would have looked as my mother used to say, “like death warmed over.” Not too appetizing for those looking for a way out of a deadly relationship. In the book, The Help, there is the real story of slavery inflicted upon black women. While I haven't finished reading the book, I suspect the heart peace and freedom came to these 3 women as they stepped over the lines imposed by society and out of the grave clothes of old mindsets passed down through generations.
While in an abusive relationship, there were so many times I felt the taunting of the enemy, daring me to step over the line and be the real woman God made in His image. The fear had me in a stranglehold of acceptance. After coming out of years of manipulation and tactics designed to destroy me, a required season of rest was necessary. The comfort of my four walls and peaceful environment invite me to stay here for the rest of my life. But God...He has another plan. He will not leave me in that place of fear and intimidation. He has not given me a spirit of fear but a spirit of love, a sound mind and self control. Today He has invited me to engage in life again. He invites me to get back in the game and become the real authentic woman He created me to become. I'm reminded of one of my favorite verses in Ephesians 1 (Message Bible),”It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for.” I want to be ready to invite some other women to join me in the “real life,” leaving all illusions behind!
God help us inhale deeply the peace you purchased for us on Calvary. As you fill our hearts with this life giving peace, give us the courage to step over into the lives of those who are suffocating around us. Give us the grace and strength we need to give CPR to those waiting for a lifeline as we step over the line of fear, from illusion to the real life you have breathed into each of us.
