The last several weeks I've been going through a new season in my life. Cleaning, purging, moving and removing are some of the words that might describe the activities that have filled my days. I mentioned to a friend recently my distaste or could I even be so bold as to suggest 'fear' of change as I embarked on several of the tasks I have completed. The satisfaction following the completion of some very physical activities has also given me a new perspective on some very real struggles in my life such as goal setting, motivation and even going deeper, thoughts about my identity and how I do relationships.
Recently, with the help of a friend, I undertook the task of pressure washing and staining my deck and rocking chairs. A few days later we tackled the porch furniture which had a dull and quite weathered appearance after ten years of sun, wind and rain. For some time now, I'd had no real motivation to do outside projects as I daily confronted the more apparent needs inside. The most pressing needs of vacuuming, cleaning and laundry also took precedent over the many desires I have had to reorganize and purge drawers and closets of items no longer necessary or meaningful in my life. The staining and painting were like a facelift for my personal property but the experience itself was more of a facelift for my spirit. Learning how much I enjoy physical tasks and being outdoors was like finding a part of myself tucked away in the corner of an uncleaned closet or unkempt desk drawer.
The internal boost I received has given me a new found interest in discovering more of what makes me tick or just what sort of person God had in mind for me to be. It also gave me the incentive to continue on this path of change as I moved my efforts inside. The room where I once used my computer for research and writing had become a place I rarely visited. Some of this took place when I purchased a new laptop and acquired a wireless connection with the ability to connect anytime, anywhere. For quite some time now, I've found myself at the kitchen table when using my computer. Since the deep connection I felt between my prayer life and writing were somehow broken, I found it difficult to find the motivation for writing and other pleasureable activities that God has shown me are a part of my core identity.
In many ways I was also trying to escape the harsh and judgmental words from someone in my past. “Are you going to go back in your sanctuary again?” Taking these words into my heart without examining the damage they 'd done made me question my identity and fear relationship with others in a way I'd never imagined. After retiring from teaching, the discovery of my love for solitude, writing and my family history seemed so natural. The cruelty with which this part of my identity was attacked left me feeling the old emotions of my childhood...”something must be really wrong with you at the core... you are wrong, incomplete, unsatisfactory....” The death of my “all in one printer” seemed to be the last straw, making it almost impossible for me to find the motivation to continue on my journey to the dreams and desires God has planted in my heart. I just couldn't seem to climb out of the dismal pit of discouragement and make the changes necessary to revitalize my dreams of writing.
Tossing the printer into the garbage was not an easy decision for me to make. I am indebted to a friend, who helped me investigate the problems and realize it was time for a new printer. In just a couple of weeks, this same friend gifted me with another “all in one” printer, giving me the ability to return to activities that bring joy to my life. Now, I can return to writing in a comfortable space and have the tools I need close at hand. My task is not yet complete in this room but today I am sitting with sunlight from the window pouring over my shoulder and feel a lightness in my spirit and a new sense of direction. As I look over the other shoulder I see a closet purged of the unnecessary and remember the ambivalence and inner struggle of emptying two file cabinets filled with documents and information from a past season of life. Getting unstuck from a former season and letting go of the old to grab hold of the new can be a grueling process. In retrospect, I can now say with confidence it was in taking the first steps to remove and purge I found the ability to trust it was the right course of action.
Motivation to change and move forward must come from within. For many of us the well of motivation needs to be primed. Some heartbreak or failure has led us to a place of what seems to be a real drought in our spirit. Healing from the inside out is largely done in private with God as our Counselor and motivator. He knows our hearts and sees every obstruction limiting and preventing the release of His gifts in our lives. However, He knows our need for relationship and connection to those who will get down in the muck and mud with us and wrestle with the demons that have kept us frozen in time.
It is this kind of relationship I would like to celebrate in my writing today.
As I observed a writing lesson at an elementary school last week, I was reminded of the analogy of deposits and withdrawals. While the instructor was using these terms to indicate ways of finding topics for writing, my mind drifted to relationships. Some relationships seem to largely involve withdrawals, while God in His goodness brings others into our lives to deposit into our accounts.
We are all aware of the work necessary to deposit large sums of money into a bank account. It is much the same in relationships. When individuals who have been wounded or broken by painful life circumstances (and that includes ALL of us), we can find ourselves stranded in the pain as if we were left on a highway in the dark with no way home. The light necessary for finding our way may be coming around the curve in a relationship with another individual with their own file cabinet filled with failures and painful memories. Purging the pain in relationship requires that both individuals roll up their sleeves and get down and dirty in the process of change. I love the effects of a pressure washer as it seems to miraculously remove the dirt, grime, mold and mildew, leaving a clean surface with which to work. It gives such a feeling of satisfaction to see the new nature of the wood, wall or walkway. Sometimes we are called to feel the sting of pressure another is facing in their lives which can become a pruning of both hearts if each individual will look deep as if in a mirror to see God's purpose in relationship.
On my desk in front of me, my eyes go to a picture of my grandson and granddaughter, nose to nose, arms about each other in an embrace as if they were giving each other an Eskimo kiss. Their eyes are crinkled, lips smiling and joy is apparent on their faces. This photo screams of intimacy in relationship, with no division and hindrances as they look at one another face to face accepting one another fully.
Yesterday while working on a project with my granddaughter that involved the use of my new printer, she took her place by my side. She touched the photo of she and her brother affectionately and said, “I love this picture!” How uncanny that she would draw attention to this particular picture on the same day my eyes had found inspiration from the same photo.
Suddenly, my mind went to another picture of the two of them in the back seat on the way home from school. Listening in on a disagreement they were having, I adjusted my rear view mirror just in time to see my granddaughter's eyes, not crinkled in love and joyful adoration but a look of frustration and painful displeasure as her brother begged to disagree with her on the subject at hand. I couldn't help but feel her disappointed resolution when she backed away from the fray and said something like, “well, I don't understand what you are saying...” and stared in another direction as if contemplating her surrender.
We cannot escape the painful withdrawals that come from relationship in this fallen world. We can, however, make choices to go face to face with our Creator and ask Him for help in getting unstuck from the effects of offenses in life and relationship. If we listen, He will speak to us through those around us to bring recognition of how and why we have found ourselves mired in discouragement or depression. There will be those he brings into our lives who will sharpen us and walk with us, making deposits instead of withdrawals and lighting the fire for change and motivation if we will open our hearts to the risk of being known by others. God does seem to work in mysterious ways to bring people into our lives. Like that grain of sand necessary to bring forth a beautiful pearl, they enter the comfort zone of our lives and give that little push we need to take that first step
I would be remiss if I failed to mention the fear of face to face interaction with others in the wake of difficult and failed relationships of the past. Sitting at my kitchen table scrolling for an hour or more through Facebook postings became my substitute for real face to face relationships for a time, simply because it seemed easier than doing the hard work of real and authentic relationship. Purging, cleaning and reorganizing my physical surroundings has been much easier than coming face to face with old thought patterns and file folders filled with wrong thoughts about my identity. This kind of change cannot be done in isolation. It requires others around us who are willing to give that little boost, the encouragement we need to get started.
There will be moments when what we experience feels like the Eskimo kiss of intimate encounters with others and other times we will want to surrender to the voice inside that says, “I just don't know what you are trying to do here, God... I don't know what you are talking about!” It's living in the tension of relationship we find healing and renewal in our lives.
As the day ended with my grandchildren, I heard their laughter coming from another room. I looked to see my grandson lifting my granddaughter and toting her around as she laughed out loud in the obvious joy of the moment.
The closet in my room is still incomplete in its reorganization and my garage is the next thing to be tackled. My lesson for today, however, seems clear. Motivation and change are more easily accomplished in the daily workings of relationship. These will have their ebb and flow and times of withdrawal and deposits. Taking the first step will require those face to face encounters with a God who wraps His arms around us and gently encourages us to trust Him even when we want to say, “I don't understand what you are saying.”
Today I am thankful for those who have stepped into my life with encouragement and gentle pushes inviting change in my life. I want to experience the joy of being carried by a brother or sister even if it means I must also experience painful times of misunderstanding and disillusionment. As I contemplate the revelation that came to me about the assault on my identity, I must admit that all relationships can be turned to His good in our lives if we remain committed to a face to face relationship with God and others.
Last week the writing instructor at school instructed the third graders to get “eye to eye and knee to knee” on the carpet to tell each other stories they heard or wanted to write about. This seems a perfect picture for me of a face to face relationship encouraging one another to continue living out our stories and committing ourselves to intimate relationship no matter how uncomfortable it might become. Our stories get messy and sometimes we seem to reach an impasse in the plot. We can make deposits in others' lives and motivate one another to be all they were meant to be if we commit to take a step forward and get eye to eye and face to face with another who has gotten stuck. Stories are filled with surprises as I've recently learned in my purging, cleaning and reorganizing experience. I can't help but wonder... “What are you doing God? And … What is waiting for me out in the garage?”
