Today I had a personal glimpse into the grief of another. Just a little over a week ago, my cousin passed away after fighting a long battle with cancer. Danny was an auctioneer at the stockyard and as I remember always wearing a cowboy hat and boots. My sister and I attended his funeral where I was touched by the words of his grieving widow. Only one day into the experience of moving on without her partner, her words kept ringing in my ears for days. "I wish he were still here." When I called today, she expressed these sentiments in other words like, "I don't know how to go on without him. We were together 24/7 working at the stockyard, building out here on the property and putting up barbed wire fences. I wish we'd put up that last board in the barn." While I am not at all acquainted with the kinds of experiences she and Danny had with each other, I have experienced the loss of relationship through divorce and understand the heart cry to go back and take care of unfinished business. The need to establish a new normal can be a real challenge, especially in the early days of loss.
Our emotions are immediately affected by the loss of a loved one, a job and even lifestyle changes that come from such a loss. My cousin's wife had worked alongside him at the stockyard and has already made a decision to work elsewhere for a time. Facing the emptiness in that environment where they'd worked together seemed too difficult a task for these earliest days of loss and grief. When someone has experienced the death of a loved one or as I shared yesterday the broken hopes and dreams through other uncontrollable circumstances, you can expect emotional responses.
EMOTIONAL RESPONSES
"If only I had told him one more time--'I love you.'"
"He/she should have gone to the doctor months ago."
''The nights and weekends are the worst for me--empty and lonely."
"It's as if anytime now he'll call or come walking through the door. I keep thinking of things
I want to tell him/her."
Feelings of regret, anguish, depression, unexpected and uncontrolled crying are expected.
There will even be feelings of relief which often are accompanied by some feelings of guilt.
All these responses are normal as we face the void left by a person, place or activity we formerly planned our days around.
WHAT WE NEED DURING GRIEF
Every person who is grieving a loss needs a place of SECURITY, a place where they feel safe expressing their emotions.
Allowing yourself to be lose to those you trust is important. However, you may have to remind others you are pacing yourself during this time. Getting back into a routine helps. This may not come immediately. If that routine is a reminder as it would have been for my cousin's wife, then a temporary change may be helpful. Again, remember to be kind to yourself and take baby steps towards recovering your normal routine.
Another need for emotional healing is HOPE. It is important to surround yourself with those who have experienced similar losses. No two grief experiences will be exactly the same but encouragement, support and hope for the future are things every person needs when grieving. Don't hesitate to ask others what helped them to recover.
At first, don't be surprised if your enjoyment of these things isn't the same. This is NORMAL. When observing a family member who has gone through a loss, remember that every person experiences grief in their own personal way. Offer hope and comfort by extending invitations to talk and learn to listen more than speak. Grieving persons often work out things in their hearts by reliving the experiences for a time. In my connections with those grieving the losses brought about by addiction, I've learned to simply "sit with others in their pain." I can often hear their voices begin to relax as they tell the story of their loss aloud and realize their pain is validated and heard. Recently, I spoke with a woman who'd lost her daughter to a tragic accident. Her Hospice counselor had recommended she journal her feelings about this tragic loss. She found hope and faith through this activity which has led her to begin writing a book about how God walked with her through this sorrowful time.
Finally, emotional responses vary from person to person. Don't expect tears from every person in the grieving process. Offer invitations to small pleasures like dinner out or walk in the park. Something to look forward to like a day trip or a day of shopping may be just what they need. Always express your understanding if they are not ready for an outing. Never underestimate the healing effects of a short visit, phone call or word of encouragement. These are small steps you can take to encourage the grieving to take small steps toward regaining their pleasure in life.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Responses to Grief and Loss
Yesterday I received a mailing from Hospice that included a calendar of activities for those who are dealing with the death of a family member or friend. Bereavement groups and holiday workshops are planned throughout the year for families experiencing the grief and loss of someone they love. I hope to attend one of the group meetings in November. It seems that as I approach the three month mark of my father's death, I'm feeling the effects of the grief to a greater degree. It could be the onset of the holidays or more likely the growing emptiness of the place I called home for so many years. My sister and I have taken our time sorting out the memories and belongings. No matter the number of months that pass, the reality will remain the same. Our family has experienced a loss and we will need to find a new normal and our holidays will be impacted by our loss.
As I read through the very helpful list of Normal Responses to Loss, I was reminded there are losses that come through events other than the death of a loved one. Divorce, miscarriage, financial loss and any associated losses such as loss of home, employment and relationships impact our lives in similar ways. Loss is a part of our lives and yet I've found one of those areas people are more hesitant to discuss around the cooler at work or in even in a life group or Sunday School class. It has been my experience that I must adopt the attitude of "I need to just stuff these feelings and move on with my life or life is going to move on without me." In the fast paced world where we now live, it is simpler to deny our loss and the natural grief responses, since there is apparently no time for the work of grief. I remember the first time I heard the phrase "grief work." It certainly didn't appeal to me. I'm learning through the passage of time, if this important work is not done, it can and most likely will resurface at a most inopportune time.
Before sharing some of the natural responses to grief and some tips for how to help yourself through a period of grieving, I'd like to share my heart for a group of people I've come to know through a sisterhood of sorts. Over a decade ago, I experienced a loss so unexpected and devastating, there would have been no way to prepare for the way every part of my life was affected. The list of losses continued to grow from the moment I first learned someone I loved was addicted to pornography. Physical, emotional, relational, spiritual and even financial losses grew like weeds in a garden, choking the life from the marriage. The insidious nature of this addiction and the associated shame it creates has formed an almost secret society of those who are walking through their days shrouded by the grief of unfulfilled hopes and dreams. The last person I chatted with about such a discovery had only been married a matter of months. The ensuing grief and the loss are as real as that experienced when there is a physical death. The five areas of our lives affected by the physical death of a loved one can also be seen in the lives affected by this addiction.
For this reason, I'd like to share over the next two months some of the natural responses to grief we all experience in the aftermath of a loss. I will also be sharing some things we each need during a time of grief. As we approach the holidays, the opportunity for grief to accelerate will be not just a possibility, but a probability. I hope these notes will be helpful to anyone who is wondering how they will get through the holidays this year in light of the very real effects they are experiencing from a personal loss this year.
PHYSICAL REACTIONS
One of my first reactions after my dad passed away was loss of appetite. Skipping meals left me with little energy to accomplish my daily activities. I even found I associated certain meals with the things I'd prepared for him and didn't want to make them anymore. Grief is very personal and each loss can bring different reactions.
You might hear someone say,
" I feel sick to my stomach, I just can't eat."
"I have trouble getting to sleep and after I finally do I only sleep a few hours before I'm up again."
Feelings of weakness, fatigue, pounding or heavy feelings in the chest or shortness of breath.
People who are grieving can be heard "sighing heavily."
WHAT IS NEEDED DURING GRIEF
REST RELAXATION EXERCISE NOURISHMENT
You may need EXTRA amounts of things you needed before.
Relaxing baths, an earlier bedtime, naps in the afternoon, a long walk on a sunny day
GOALS
Perhaps the thought of a long walk is overwhelming. Start with a short term goal of taking a short walk. Remember grief is personal. Each person must decide what will they can or cannot manage especially in the earliest days of a loss.
Small goals are helpful
"I'll have a healthy breakfast each day."
"I'll connect with a friend this week and see a movie."
Time alone AND time with others is important. Spend time with those you trust and whom you can count on to listen when you need to talk.
One last consideration is that you listen to your body. When I visited the eye doctor, we were talking about the decline in my vision. She said it was possible this decline was related to my year of caretaking. Our bodies become depleted from the stresses of grief and loss.
Remember to be kind to yourself and if you have any questions about your body's responses to grief schedule a physical exam or check online sources for ways you can counteract the stresses of overcoming a loss in life. I hope these reminders have helped to bring some clarity to how you can walk through a time of grief and loss. We will cover the mental, emotional, social and spiritual responses in upcoming posts. For now, REST, RELAX AND REPLENISH.
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As I read through the very helpful list of Normal Responses to Loss, I was reminded there are losses that come through events other than the death of a loved one. Divorce, miscarriage, financial loss and any associated losses such as loss of home, employment and relationships impact our lives in similar ways. Loss is a part of our lives and yet I've found one of those areas people are more hesitant to discuss around the cooler at work or in even in a life group or Sunday School class. It has been my experience that I must adopt the attitude of "I need to just stuff these feelings and move on with my life or life is going to move on without me." In the fast paced world where we now live, it is simpler to deny our loss and the natural grief responses, since there is apparently no time for the work of grief. I remember the first time I heard the phrase "grief work." It certainly didn't appeal to me. I'm learning through the passage of time, if this important work is not done, it can and most likely will resurface at a most inopportune time.
Before sharing some of the natural responses to grief and some tips for how to help yourself through a period of grieving, I'd like to share my heart for a group of people I've come to know through a sisterhood of sorts. Over a decade ago, I experienced a loss so unexpected and devastating, there would have been no way to prepare for the way every part of my life was affected. The list of losses continued to grow from the moment I first learned someone I loved was addicted to pornography. Physical, emotional, relational, spiritual and even financial losses grew like weeds in a garden, choking the life from the marriage. The insidious nature of this addiction and the associated shame it creates has formed an almost secret society of those who are walking through their days shrouded by the grief of unfulfilled hopes and dreams. The last person I chatted with about such a discovery had only been married a matter of months. The ensuing grief and the loss are as real as that experienced when there is a physical death. The five areas of our lives affected by the physical death of a loved one can also be seen in the lives affected by this addiction.
For this reason, I'd like to share over the next two months some of the natural responses to grief we all experience in the aftermath of a loss. I will also be sharing some things we each need during a time of grief. As we approach the holidays, the opportunity for grief to accelerate will be not just a possibility, but a probability. I hope these notes will be helpful to anyone who is wondering how they will get through the holidays this year in light of the very real effects they are experiencing from a personal loss this year.
PHYSICAL REACTIONS
One of my first reactions after my dad passed away was loss of appetite. Skipping meals left me with little energy to accomplish my daily activities. I even found I associated certain meals with the things I'd prepared for him and didn't want to make them anymore. Grief is very personal and each loss can bring different reactions.
You might hear someone say,
" I feel sick to my stomach, I just can't eat."
"I have trouble getting to sleep and after I finally do I only sleep a few hours before I'm up again."
Feelings of weakness, fatigue, pounding or heavy feelings in the chest or shortness of breath.
People who are grieving can be heard "sighing heavily."
WHAT IS NEEDED DURING GRIEF
REST RELAXATION EXERCISE NOURISHMENT
You may need EXTRA amounts of things you needed before.
Relaxing baths, an earlier bedtime, naps in the afternoon, a long walk on a sunny day
GOALS
Perhaps the thought of a long walk is overwhelming. Start with a short term goal of taking a short walk. Remember grief is personal. Each person must decide what will they can or cannot manage especially in the earliest days of a loss.
Small goals are helpful
"I'll have a healthy breakfast each day."
"I'll connect with a friend this week and see a movie."
Time alone AND time with others is important. Spend time with those you trust and whom you can count on to listen when you need to talk.
One last consideration is that you listen to your body. When I visited the eye doctor, we were talking about the decline in my vision. She said it was possible this decline was related to my year of caretaking. Our bodies become depleted from the stresses of grief and loss.
Remember to be kind to yourself and if you have any questions about your body's responses to grief schedule a physical exam or check online sources for ways you can counteract the stresses of overcoming a loss in life. I hope these reminders have helped to bring some clarity to how you can walk through a time of grief and loss. We will cover the mental, emotional, social and spiritual responses in upcoming posts. For now, REST, RELAX AND REPLENISH.
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