The feeling of exhaustion came over me as I woke this morning and began readying myself and helping my son get my grandson ready for church. Since my surgery in April, I have had days when an overwhelming fatigue has swept over my body leaving me with a growing sense of weakness. There is an inner sense of depletion and a feeling I am missing some particular nutrient that will recharge my physical body. Sometimes my legs have felt a bit shaky. I've felt I needed a nap or at least a time to just sit and rest. Fueling my body with the right nutrients, getting some extra vitamin D along with some extra rest have brought some much needed relief from the feeling of “being physically spent.”
My son and his firstborn who is almost eight months old were here for the weekend. We talked and played and fed and bathed and visited with other family. What a blessing. I had hoped the physical strength I'd seemed to regain over the last two weeks would see me through the weekend. I didn't want to feel “spent” while enjoying my family and my very best blessings surrounded me.
"God always gives us opportunity to work on those things He wants to heal within us,” are words I continually hear repeated in my heart over the last four years. These words came from my friend, Dave McIlrath,in my training to become a Life Coach. He urged me to watch for the day to day circumstances where God was at work. For several years it seemed these life lessons were slow in sinking into my spirit. Now, I find God speaks to me immediately as I stay open to hear what He has to say about the condition of my heart.
As my son and I drove up to the church, I felt such a deep sense of comfort. I was about to share a time of worship with my daughter and her husband along with my son and my newest grandchild. What could be more satisfying? My son stepped and I stepped out into the 90+ temperatures and began gathering the baby's things. While we were still in preparation to walk to the entrance, my son observed my former husband at the door. I lifted up a request out loud that God would help me get through this situation, cognizant of my hope he would be able to respond to us and I would sense that forgiveness has taken place between us. It was not to be that way today.
Just as I had desired my physical exhaustion would not return while my son was visiting from out of town, I have also longed for the painful emotions of the past to no longer be crippling to me personally nor to my family. I can't speak for my family's emotional responses to what occurred, but I was very aware of my own. As worship began, my heart felt pain as I felt an almost visible wall stood between myself and my former husband sitting only seats away from us. As the worship began, I closed my eyes and listened to the words of the songs. “I need you Jesus, to come to my rescue. Where else can I go?... there's no other name by which we are saved. Capture me with grace.” Capture me with grace... that's what He did as I sang... “I will follow You.” As I cried out to my Father, He reminded me of His faithfulness through all the painful years of this relationship.
As I listened to the message at church today, there was a moment in which the words of John Hernandez seemed to describe this feeling perfectly. The message was centered around the scripture in which Paul was describing “the race” in which we run as believers. He reminded us we are following in the footsteps of Jesus,who gave His all, giving EVERYTHING for our salvation, healing and deliverance. He used the large screen to give a visual of some folks participating in a race for Speed the Light. Following the visual, he gave a description of his own bike ride and his own attempt to finish the race with the others. His desciption of aching leg muscles, the need for hydration and the desire to find the nearest sofa seemed to resonate with something inside of me.
As John continued the message, he reminded us we are in a race and we will be beaten, betrayed, tired and weary as we follow Christ. He used the word “spent” often in the message. One of his key points was how much risk there is in loving someone. In many instances, he declared, you will be betrayed and rejected as Christ was rejected. Still, you are to pour yourself out as an offering.
There was a time when I would walk away from a situation like the one I faced today believing I had failed in loving my former husband. For days I would punish myself and accept the condemnation of the enemy as he whispered in my ear about my failures to make the marriage work. This was not my response today. As I lifted my voice to Him, “Come rescue me!” I felt the healing balm pour over my heart. The strength and resolve to hear the message He had for me came as He captured me with His grace.
“Some of you have disengaged from ministry, calling it a sabbatical,” John exclaimed. Oh my, I have said those words I thought to myself. “You have said the pain was too great... you couldn't allow yourself to take the risk again.” I asked myself how he could know my innermost thoughts and choose to say them on THIS day. Didn't he realize I was dealing with the pain that resurfaced just twenty minutes ago? He kept using the words rejection, betrayal and pain repeatedly. “If you have told yourself you can't get back in there, you have taken your hand off the plow.” This went so deeply into my spirit as I remembered how many times God used this verse of scripture as I struggled against His voice to “let go” of this relationship and move forward.
For the last year I have told myself I needed rest and a time for healing emotionally. I have also had several months of healing physically from surgery. I am reminded today of what God spoke to me when I asked Him “Why do some people have to have their appendix removed and others do not?” It has no seemingly real function for the body. He responded to me with an answer that is personal to me, certainly not to be taken as a physical diagnosis. “I want to remove all things that are unnecessary from your life, so you can move forward and into the plan and destiny I have for your future.”
As I walked away from the service today, I felt a certain sadness in my heart. The realization that the perfect work of my Savior has not happened in the relationship between my former husband and I grieves my heart as I believe it grieves the heart of God. Jesus gave His ALL, “spent Himself” for our salvation, healing and deliverance. He then, ascended into heaven and has become our High Priest who is able to understand and sympathize and share our weaknesses, infirmities and liabilities to the assaults to temptation. He recognized the pain rising in my heart, my temptation to judge, blame and condemn.
Today, I choose to come to a place of rest as I choose to believe God's Word about all of my life that is in the rear view mirror. I put my absolute trust and lean my entire personality on Him as He captures me with His grace. “For we who have believed (adhered to and trusted in and relied on God) do enter into that rest.” (Hebrews 4:3) My flesh cries out, “No more pain, no more rejection or betrayal!” but my spirit man says there is a place of rest. Just as my physical body responds to the proper nutrients, my spirit man will respond as I trust in the precepts of God's word. My heart has chosen to forgive. I choose to extend mercy and continue to pray for peace to come to the heart of my former husband. I thank God for the peace that reigns in my own heart today. God' Son purchased it for me as He poured out His lifeblood on Calvary.
So then, I am left with the personal call on my heart today to come out of that place I've called a sabbatical, the place where I have wanted to shelter my heart from the pain. I have come face to face with the pain and He came immediately to my rescue. Isn't it a contradiction in terms that one would come out of a sabbatical to enter into His rest? Not when I think of the pain and weariness I experienced as I presumed healing would come in the lives of others through my own human labors.
I am a spirit being. I have a sould and I live in a body. These three are as intertwined as the Godhead. I surmise that God is speaking to me through this physical sense of exhaustion my deep need to depend on Him in every aspect of my life. Perhaps there are those things I am still trying to affect by my own human labors in other relationships. To be effective in ministering to the needs of others as I come out of this self imposed sabbatical, I must be aware of my need for total reliance and trust in Him.
“I need You Jesus, please come to my rescue... I will follow You.”
