Grief and Loss- Part Two

Today I had a personal glimpse into the grief of another. Just a little over a week ago, my cousin passed away after fighting a long battle with cancer. Danny was an auctioneer at the stockyard and as I remember always wearing a cowboy hat and boots. My sister and I attended his funeral where I was touched by the words of his grieving widow. Only one day into the experience of moving on without her partner, her words kept ringing in my ears for days. "I wish he were still here." When I called today, she expressed these sentiments in other words like, "I don't know how to go on without him. We were together 24/7 working at the stockyard, building out here on the property and putting up barbed wire fences. I wish we'd put up that last board in the barn." While I am not at all acquainted with the kinds of experiences she and Danny had with each other, I have experienced the loss of relationship through divorce and understand the heart cry to go back and take care of unfinished business. The need to establish a new normal can be a real challenge, especially in the early days of loss.

Our emotions are immediately affected by the loss of a loved one, a job and even lifestyle changes that come from such a loss. My cousin's wife had worked alongside him at the stockyard and has already made a decision to work elsewhere for a time. Facing the emptiness in that environment where they'd worked together seemed too difficult a task for these earliest days of loss and grief. When someone has experienced the death of a loved one or as I shared yesterday the broken hopes and dreams through other uncontrollable circumstances, you can expect emotional responses.

EMOTIONAL RESPONSES

"If only I had told him one more time--'I love you.'"
"He/she should have gone to the doctor months ago."
''The nights and weekends are the worst for me--empty and lonely."
"It's as if anytime now he'll call or come walking through the door. I keep thinking of things
  I want to tell him/her."
Feelings of regret, anguish, depression, unexpected and uncontrolled crying are expected.
There will even be feelings of relief which often are accompanied by some feelings of guilt.
All these responses are normal as we face the void left by a person, place or activity we formerly  planned our days around.

WHAT WE NEED DURING GRIEF

Every person who is grieving a loss needs a place of SECURITY, a place where they feel safe expressing their emotions.
Allowing yourself to be lose to those you trust is important. However, you may have to remind others you are pacing yourself during this time. Getting back into a routine helps. This may not come immediately. If that routine is a reminder as it would have been for my cousin's wife, then a temporary change may be helpful. Again, remember to be kind to yourself and take baby steps towards recovering your normal routine.

Another need for emotional healing is HOPE. It is important to surround yourself with those who have experienced similar  losses. No two grief experiences will be exactly the same but encouragement, support and hope for the future are things every person needs when grieving. Don't hesitate to ask others what helped them to recover.

At first, don't be surprised if your enjoyment of these things isn't the same. This is NORMAL. When observing a family member who has gone through a loss, remember that every person experiences grief in their own personal way. Offer hope and comfort by extending invitations to talk and learn to listen more than speak. Grieving persons often work out things in their hearts by reliving the experiences for a time. In my connections with those grieving the losses brought about by addiction, I've learned to simply "sit with others in their pain." I can often hear their voices begin to relax as they tell the story of their loss aloud and realize their pain is validated and heard. Recently, I spoke with a woman who'd lost her daughter to a tragic accident. Her Hospice counselor had recommended she journal her feelings about this tragic loss. She found hope and faith through this activity which has led her to begin writing a book about how God walked with her through this sorrowful time.

Finally, emotional responses vary from person to person. Don't expect tears from every person in the grieving process. Offer invitations to small pleasures like dinner out or walk in the park. Something to look forward to like a day trip or a day of shopping may be just what they need. Always express your understanding if they are not ready for an outing. Never underestimate the healing effects of a short visit, phone call or word of encouragement. These are small steps you can take to encourage the grieving to take small steps toward regaining their pleasure in life.