Responses to Grief and Loss

Yesterday I received a mailing from Hospice that included a calendar of activities for those who are dealing with the death of a family member or friend. Bereavement groups and holiday workshops are planned throughout the year for families experiencing the grief and loss of someone they love. I hope to attend one of the group meetings in November. It seems that as I approach the three month mark of my father's death, I'm feeling the effects of the grief to a greater degree. It could be the onset of the holidays or more likely the growing emptiness of the place I called home for so many years. My sister and I have taken our time sorting out the memories and belongings. No matter the number of months that pass, the reality will remain the same. Our family has experienced a loss and we will need to find a new normal and our holidays will be impacted by our loss.

As I read through the very helpful list of Normal Responses to Loss, I was reminded there are losses that come through events other than the death of a loved one. Divorce, miscarriage, financial loss and any associated losses such as loss of home, employment and relationships impact our lives in similar ways. Loss is a part of our lives and yet I've found one of those areas people are more hesitant to discuss around the cooler at work or in even in a life group or Sunday School class. It has been my experience that I must adopt the attitude of "I need to just stuff these feelings and move on with my life or life is going to move on without me." In the fast paced world where we now live, it is simpler to deny our loss and the natural grief responses, since there is apparently no time for the work of grief. I remember the first time I heard the phrase "grief work." It certainly didn't appeal to me. I'm learning through the passage of time, if this important work is not done, it can and most likely will resurface at a most inopportune time.

Before sharing some of the natural responses to grief and some tips for how to help yourself through a period of  grieving, I'd like to share my heart for a group of people I've come to know through a sisterhood of sorts. Over a decade ago, I experienced a loss so unexpected and devastating, there would have been no way to prepare for the way every part of my life was affected.  The list of losses continued to grow from the moment I first learned someone I loved was addicted to pornography. Physical, emotional, relational, spiritual and even financial losses grew like weeds in a garden, choking the life from the marriage. The insidious nature of this addiction and the associated shame it creates has formed an almost secret society of those who are walking through their days shrouded by the grief of unfulfilled hopes and dreams. The last person I chatted with about such a discovery had only been married a matter of months. The ensuing grief and the loss are as real as that experienced when there is a physical death. The five areas of our lives affected by the physical death of a loved one can also be seen in the lives affected by this addiction.

For this reason, I'd like to share over the next two months some of the natural responses to grief we all experience in the aftermath of a loss. I will also be sharing some things we each need during a time of grief. As we approach the holidays, the opportunity for grief to accelerate will be not just a possibility, but a probability. I hope these notes will be helpful to anyone who is wondering how they will get through the holidays this year in light of the very real effects they are experiencing from a personal loss this year.

PHYSICAL REACTIONS

One of my first reactions after my dad passed away was loss of appetite. Skipping meals left me with little energy to accomplish my daily activities. I even found I associated certain meals with the things I'd prepared for him and didn't want to make them anymore. Grief is very personal and each loss can bring different reactions.

You might hear someone say,
" I feel sick to my stomach, I just can't eat."
"I have trouble getting to sleep and after I finally do I only sleep a few hours before I'm up again."

Feelings of weakness, fatigue, pounding or heavy feelings in the chest or shortness of breath.

People who are grieving can be heard "sighing heavily."

WHAT IS NEEDED DURING GRIEF

REST      RELAXATION      EXERCISE      NOURISHMENT 

You may need EXTRA amounts of things you needed before.

Relaxing baths, an earlier bedtime, naps in the afternoon, a long walk on a sunny day

GOALS

Perhaps the thought of a long walk is overwhelming. Start with a short term goal of taking a short walk. Remember grief is personal. Each person must decide what will they can or cannot manage especially in the earliest days of a loss.

Small goals are helpful

"I'll have a healthy breakfast each day."
"I'll connect with a friend this week and see a movie."
Time alone AND time with others is important. Spend time with those you trust and whom you can count on to listen when you need to talk.

One last consideration is that you listen to your body. When I visited the eye doctor, we were talking about the decline in my vision. She said it was possible this decline was related to my year of caretaking. Our bodies become depleted from the stresses of grief and loss.

Remember to be kind to yourself and if you have any questions about your body's responses to grief schedule a physical exam or check online sources for ways you can counteract the stresses of overcoming a loss in life. I hope these reminders have helped to bring some clarity to how you can  walk through a time of grief and loss. We will cover the mental, emotional, social and spiritual responses in upcoming posts. For now, REST, RELAX AND REPLENISH.